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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #8-Bittersweet Love

He’s always gonna be there for me but, he just doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I wish he hadn’t told me that. It’s almost like a one-way ticket for me to hold onto him.  I screwed up a lot of things in our marriage.  We were young and partying all of the time. Out of our social set, we were the most likely to do something with our lives. Drugs and alcohol were a past time to us but, not really a way of life.  One day, he came home and said that he was done using.

We started goin' to AA and NA meetings together.  Shortly after that, he enrolled in trade school to be a plumber.  I enrolled into a legal secretary certificate program and our lives really changed for the better.

We started working out together and cut out all of the junk food.  Things were going so great, he proposed to me and I just knew that we were gonna be together forever. I got pregnant a few months after our wedding. It wasn’t an easy pregnancy. I was really mean all of the time but, he did what he could to keep my spirits up.

After our little baby girl Noelle was born he was so happy.  I was happy but at the same time I was scared.  We could more than afford for me to stay at home with Noelle.  But, I was afraid to lose my financial independence.  So, I put Noelle in daycare and went back to work. At the time, one of my co-workers was studying to be a paralegal. I thought that sounds super interesting. The classes were being offered online from my alma mater.

I talked it over with my husband and he was enthusiastic about it. He pointed out that it would be easier for me to work from home as a paralegal.  Two years later, I had a paralegal degree and I was promoted at work. I should have been over the moon, right?

 I mean, I had an amazing husband,  and a beautiful child. I was living a dream. Not bad as a chick from a trailer park. But, something was missing. My life felt kind of dull. I started to have regrets about my druggie past with my husband. I mean, I wasted like five years of my life partying away. I could finished my four year degree, traveled the world, opened a business, and led a way more glamorous lifestyle.

 So, I sought more excitement through an affair with my boss at work. He was a divorced older gentleman with grown kids and a roster of mistresses. He was more than willing to add me to his ever-growing roster of mistresses.

Our first encounter was at his cabin in the middle of nowhere during the day. We both took a half day and met up there. It was amazing. The cabin turned out to be a small palace. We drank a couple of glasses of wine to relax and it just kind of went from there. 

Pretty soon we are in a full-blown affair. My husband never suspected a thing at first.  The affair went on for a few months but, I ended it because it became obvious that my boss was becoming too attached.  Unbeknownst to me, he had fallen in love with me.

 Apparently, my boss had cleared his roster of women and had planned to focus solely on me. 

It got  real ugly after that. My boss starts calling me at all hours of the night. I had to block his number from my cell phone. Then, he starts overloading me with work so that I have virtually no time to be with my family.

One day my husband asked me to quit my job. I didn’t want to at first but, I figured it was the best way to get a clean break from my boss. I gave two weeks notice and my boss didn’t even blink. 

 I thought I was in the clear. Until he started driving past my house and then randomly showing up places where I was at.  It was getting scary for me.

The kicker was when he started trying to get at my husband. He pulled some strings and arranged to have my husband picked up by the cops on some BS charge. That’s when I knew that I had to come clean about the affair. My husband was so hurt.  From that point on,  things changed between us.

He took a traveling plumber’s gig and now he’s gone 3 weeks out of the month. We barely speak. Noelle is now  six years old and she’s starting to suspect that something’s up.   My husband refuses to go to counseling with me. He says that he doesn’t need counseling to tell him that he married a cheater.  He still loves me but, he sees no future in our marriage. Each time he returns from one of his work trips, it’s like he’s moved further away from me. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #7-Morning Patrol

I knew the risks going into it. But, of course nothing really prepared me for the phone call and the in-person visit. I had so many questions. How did it happen? Was he alone? 

The kids are crying because they can sense my pain and sadness I struggled to hold it together.  This is not what I signed up for…alright maybe it is. But, he promised that he would be careful.

Why did he have to break that promise? 

I should have married that nice teacher. My mom warned me that being a Marine wife was not all rah-rah.  She should know. My  father was in the Marines for 20 years. I remember my mother glued to the 24/7 news stations with a bottle of Jim Beam clutched in her hands.

I swore to myself that I didn’t want that kind of life.

 So, I avoided military men at all costs. 

But, I ended up falling in love with one anyway.

 I fought it and to his credit Randy understood my reservations about being a Marine wife.

 Of course, he still pursued me relentlessly.  Two years later, I accepted his marriage proposal.
We were 24 years old when we got married.

 It seems like a lifetime ago. In reality, it was about 15 years ago.

We agreed that I would get a nursing degree so that I could work anywhere. He was only going to stay in for 8 years and then he was going to get his MBA and work in Corporate America.

 But, it didn’t exactly happen that way.  9/11 caused him to change his mind.

Shortly after 9/11, Randy informed  me that he wasn’t going to be able to honor our original deal. He said he wanted to become career military. He  felt that he owed it those people who died on 9/11.

There I was… pregnant with our second child.

I felt as though he owed it to me to hold up his end of the bargain.

 In the brief moments  after his huge proclamation, I understood exactly why my mother was often clutching a bottle of Jim Beam.

I recalled turning to other Marine wives for support. Some of them were in the same boat as me. 9/11 had created an unspoken tension in their marriages as well.  They too, had watched in helpless confusion as their loving husbands turn into virtual strangers hyped up on vengeance and hatred for an unseen enemy.

They wouldn’t give me too many details about his death. They said that his unit came under attack during a morning patrol.  He was killed instantly. I don’t buy it. Something more happened but, that’s the military for you.

My kids have completely changed. They don’t want to let me outta their sight.  I don’t blame them. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose your parent during childhood.  I joined one of those War Widows support group and it helps a lot.

It’s been 3 years and it’s still hard to move on. My friends and family are trying to be patient but, I can tell they want the old me to come back. They want me to become the woman that they remember.
They don’t seem to understand that she died along with Randy during his morning patrol.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #6-Go Away Cancer!

I am 34 years old. I am not supposed to be going to chemo treatments on my lunch hour.   Lunch hours are for delicious meals, massages, mani-pedis, gossiping with girlfriends, or steamy interludes with significant others. But, as of late my lunch hours consist of chemo treatments. Trust me, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds.  

Lunch hour chemo is needles, IV lines, patronizing medical staff, and my bitterness neatly packed into a 60 minute session.

Of course, I am careful not to be too outwardly bitter in the clinic. I don’t want to poision others with my total resentment at being diagnosed with cancer at age 34.  I have tried meditating, reading good vibe laced books about  breast cancer not being the end of the road but, the beginning of a journey, crying jags, and asking God why he chose to inflict this onto me.

I remind God on a daily basis of my long list of good deeds and beg him to get me through this hell on earth. I am fine with never getting married. Truth be told, most men get on my nerves any way. Before my diagnoses I was trying to serial date my way into a marriage. It didn’t work. Most of the eligible men wanted me to pretend to be someone that I am not. The other stragglers just were not worth my time.

 I am kind of alright with the fact that I may never have a biological kid. You can  practically order one off the Internet these days.

But, dammit I didn’t wanna lose my rack.  My best physical assets are my C cup ta-tas. Not too big. Not too little.  They were just perky enough without being over the top. But,now they are gone. 

 I sit and look at my surgically altered chest and think what did I do to deserve this?
I think back on my vegetarian lifestyle, the fact that I rarely drank, never tried drugs, and barely even took an aspirin. 

All of that “clean” living and now I am spending my lunch hour in Chemoville   and I am not even 35.
Cancer is like that crappy boyfriend who  dumps you but, won’t go away. 

He sits on the periphery waiting for the chance to shower you with more BS and games. Just when you think that it has completely left  your life…it returns with a vengeance.

 Cancer if you are listening right now. Our relationship is just not working for me.  You need to go and stay gone.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #5-I am Gonna Be A Star!

I came out here via Greyhound bus. Typical small town girl,big dreams stuff. You’ve heard the story a million times. I am a walking clichĂ© in this town.  The star hometown thespian heads to Hollywood to pursue her dreams of fame and fortune.  

  I made a deal with my parents that I would at least finish my four year degree before venturing out here. The streets here are filled with Ivy-League degreed women from better family trees than mine and of course way more financial reserves. These chicks can afford to party with the rich and famous. Thusly enabling them to gain entre into some starlet’s entourage. These days even being a bit player in a C list celebrity’s entourage can get you a reality show deal on some random cable network.

Well,my parents are both small town high school teacher which isn’t impressive enough to get me access to a D list entourage. Oh well.   I mean, I haven’t done too badly for myself. I was able to land a long-term substitute teaching gig.  I live in West LA and not the Valley. That’s something at least.  I don’t even bother going to casting calls cuz everyone knows those are just a formality.

 Most of the parts they have you read for are already locked up by someone else. Instead, I post dramatic readings on Youtube and even sing a couple of songs. So far my channel has like a couple thousand hits. I did get hired to do a voice over for one of the local taqueria’s here.  It was pretty exciting. 

I have been here for a few years and it’s cool. I wanna be star and yet a part of me thinks that I would be happier teaching drama at my hometown high school. Or even starting a performing arts center there. 

And don’t get me started on dating here. It’s like a joke. All the eligible men here either want other men. (Which is cool,cuz I am a supporter of the gay community. ) Or they want some 21 year old chick with no clue about life.  So, at 25, I am over the hill. There goes my dreams for my marriage and family…  

But, this place isn’t geared towards families. It’s set up for the sole purpose of creating and promoting… stars. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #4 -Hell is Other Women

Tomorrow is my last day here in this hellhole. Okay, perhaps hellhole is too strong of a term.  The job itself is great. I get to research  land  titles of houses in the town’s historical district.  Each house has a story.

 Sometimes the story is filled with romance with just a dash of magic. Other times, it’s filled with tragedy and vanquished hopes.  To the outside observer, a house is just bricks and mortar with a few decorative flourishes thrown in for good measure. But, I know better.  I take my work very seriously.  I refer to my abstracts as historical novellas.

Potential donors make their decision to contribute based upon one of my colorfully written abstracts.
This drives my co-workers crazy.  I work in an office of all women.  You would not believe the high levels of cattiness which I have put up with on a daily basis.

My co-workers make a huge deal of excluding me from lunch, talking about future events in front of me which they have no plans of inviting me to, and making cutting remarks about my privileged background.

I even overheard one of them say that I should just live off of my trust fund.  Now, they all know that one well-placed phone call from me could result in them losing their jobs. I could also make things difficult for their family members employed in this area.  It’s almost as though they are daring me to do it.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #3-Patch of Dandelions

It’s a sunny May morning and surprisingly the wind is almost non-existent. Usually, the May breezes in Western Kansas can be unrelenting. This is the main reason why a majority of events around here are held indoors.  

Today,  however there is no wind. It is the perfect day for an outdoor gathering. We don’t get many of those at all ‘round here. I can see Jacob pulling up into the parking lot. Kari is four and Mario is six. I want  so badly to run up and comfort them but, that my be kinda awkward for them since I am dead and all. Yeah, you heard me.

  I am dead. I died a few days ago. I was involved in a car accident with a Judge Donnelly. He’s known for being a world-class drunk river. He broadsided me while I was on my way home from Bible study. I should have taken the long way home on route 12 but, I was in a hurry.  I wonder  whether the kids are feeling better. Kari looks so frail and Mario doesn’t look like he is really comprehending everything that is  going on.

It’s funny how mothering instincts stay with you even into the afterlife. Jacob looks tired and he’s probably blaming himself.  See, he always told me to take route 12 instead of cuttin’ through town. Our town while not a thriving metropolis is infamous for having four taverns on Main Street in town. There is at least one collision a night on Main Street.  Of course, I drove on Main for over 20 years without incident. I thought that being anointed by the Lord would be enough to keep me safe.  It just wasn’t the case this time.

I mean God had gotten me through so much. I almost died giving birth to Mario. Yet, two years later I had Kari without any incident. When Jacob started takin’ up with the local waitress at Billy’s Diner. The Lord saw fit that she met someone else’s husband and ran off to Vegas with him.

Jacob was heartbroken that he had to return to the land of reality with me and the kids. He moped around for a good three months before setting his sights on someone else. Now, before y’all start judging…Jacob is a fine man. He’s a great dad and he wasn’t the worst husband in the world. But, he has a tendency to live in a dream world.He wanted to be a world famous guitar player.

 And to his credit, he’s actually plays kinda good.  But, this town doesn’t exactly have a thriving music scene. In order to get in traction, he was gonna have to move to Kansas City or even Denver. 
And Jacob’s not cut out for big city life.  He stayed in town and got his degree in business and joined his father in the insurance business.  He makes a good enough living. I am, er-- was a Dental Assistant. I dropped down to working part-time after the kids were born. Made it easier to manage the carpool.

See, that patch of dandelions over there? That’s where Jacob proposed to me.Yep, I was proposed to in a cemetary. But, it was kinda of romantic. Both sets of our grandparents are buried here. Lots of couples picnic out here cuz, it’s peaceful. Plus,there’s lots of privacy…if you know what I mean.


I loved Jacob and I believe he loved me as much as he was able. We didn’t have a bad life together. Sometimes, folks just grow apart.

Oh my, I have been running my mouth for so long that I forgot that the funerals around here start promptly.  They fill up fast and I want to get a good seat.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #2- She Just Had To Up And Change

Things were going well with us… until she went and changed on me. My best friend of over 20 years decides one day to go and lose 150 pounds.

 I mean, really? What the hell?!?

Meanwhile, I am scrambling around trying to figure out how the dynamic could  change between us so quickly. Now, she’s the one barking out orders and extending invitations to the local hotspots.

‘Course livin’ in Great Hills, Kansas our nightlife is kinda limited but, somehow she’s managed to get VIP seating at the bingo lounge. I mean you really have to get in good with the right folks to get that honor.

 Anyway, she thinks she’s so skinny cuz she’s a size 12 now. Big whoopty do! For years, I was a perfect size 16 and she could barely zip up a size 22. Now, all the sudden she’s the Queen of Sheba cuz she can wear skinny jeans.


Now, I don’t want y’all thinkin’ that I am a jealous shrew. Let me assure that it is not the case. But, change is hard, ya know?

I mean one minute you’re treated like small-town royalty and the next you’re thrown into the discard pile.
You know that I actually have to pay for my drinks at the bar. It’s simply ridiculous. I’m thinking about trying to sabotage her diet by adding bacon to all of her food health food. Bacon is her Achilles heel.She can’t get enough of it!

The only reason she was even able to lose weight was cuz she got pneumonia real bad. She lost like 60 pounds and her stomach shrank.  So, me sprinkling bacon on her meals wouldn’t be like sabotaging her per se since it was an act of fate that   started her weight loss journey in the first place.

Before Irlene lost all her weight, I was the part of the Great Hills jetset. I mean, I have a good job with the City of Great Hills. I am the Senior Stamper in the real estate document department. It’s a real important position. 

My fiancĂ© Tommy, he’s head exterminator for the County of Great Hills. I know, he’s like real important.  Anyway, he thinks that I should be happy for Irlene…and I am.Kinda.  It just burns me up that she doesn’t need me to get invited to parties or social events.

We are barely speakin’, she’s hurt cuz I am not happy for her and I resent her for up and changing on me.

She refuses to gain the weight back even though doing so could save our friendship.  Can you even believe it?

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