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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Honesty Dialogues: An Interview With Nothing Special


(A female television host is sitting in a high backed chair on a stage in front of a live audience. She is interviewing Nothing Special about her life.)

Today, my guest is Nothing Special. She is best known for her brutally honest take on what it's like to unremarkable. Welcome to the show. (The audience politely applauds.)

Nothing Special:
Thanks so much for having me on the show. It's such an honor to be here.

When did you discover that you are Nothing Special?

Nothing Special:
I have always known. I accept that people are for the most always going to overlook me.

How do you cope with this knowledge on  a day-to-day basis?

Nothing Special:
Honestly, I play  people against one another and they never seem to figure  it out.

Whoa. That's quite a confession. Aren't you afraid that someone you know could be watching this interview and that your candor could come back to haunt you?

Nothing Special:
Not at all. The people in my life are all in conflict with one another. I have created this chessboard of sorts. None them trusts  each other enough to ever rise up against me.

That's quite a strategy.

Nothing Special:

Tell me something, do you ever feel empty inside?

Nothing Special:
All the time. But, I find that spending money and being the center of attention at all times goes a long way in distracting me from the emotional blackhole that is my life.

Have you ever thought about  changing the way  you treat people?

Nothing Special:
No. If I change then, I will go back to being invisible again. That was a sucky existence. No way would I ever return to that.

What about all of the people whom you are hurting?

Nothing Special:
What about them? It's hard to feel sorry for Suzy Gorgeous or Kelly Successful. They can easily start over again someplace else. But, my small circle of followers are all that I have.

Speaking of followers. How is your boyfriend?

Nothing Special:
Actually, we just got engaged.
(She brings up her left hand to show off the ring)


Nothing Special:
Thanks. I kind of expected it though. I worked really hard to make sure that he was alienated from his friends and family. He kind of had no choice.

Do you love him?

Nothing Special:
I don't even know what love is supposed to be. He does what I say. I control everything. That's how like it.

Does he love you?

Nothing Special:
Who cares? He's not going anywhere.


Hmm. What's going to happen when he gets tired of your relationship or meets someone new?

Nothing Special:
That's what kids are for. I plan on popping out one within in the first year of our marriage. That will make it harder for him to get very far.

Wow. So you would knowingly use your child as a pawn to keep your husband shackled to you?

Nothing Special:
Of course. Look, my name isn't Awesome Lady or even Amazing Woman. My name is Nothing Special.

Good point. (Pauses) We need to take a commercial break.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

New Series: Honesty Dialogues

Greetings. I am adding another segment to this blog entitled: Honesty Dialogues. Basically, these posts will consist of honest conversations between two people. These dialogues are based on personal observations rather than my own experiences.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Freewriting Series: Farewell to the Enchanted Seaport

This road is lined with grave markers representing the ideas, relationships, and other things which have run their course. There is something bittersweet to me about graveyards, on the one hand the people residing there are gone from us forever. However, before their passing they were able to impart something special into our lives.

In less than a month, I am relocating to a city near my hometown. I left this part of the country back in 1994 without nary a backwards glance. I am nervous, excited, with just a dash of dread for good measure. Living in Newport, RI, I have experienced both the best of times and the worst times. 
Things certainly did not turn out the way in which I had planned...not by a long shot. I have spent the past few weeks packing up my apartment, selling furniture, and mentally preparing myself for my departure from this cozy coastal enclave.

Admittedly, there is a part of me which grieves a tiny bit for the way in which things turned out. I have made the conscious choice to not fight the remaining embers of grief. Instead, I am letting the embers burn out of their own volition.

I will miss my weekly walks through the crowded yet, charming alleyways which are the backbone of downtown Newport. Once back in the Midwest, I am certain that I will long for the ocean breezes which blow so liberally here. Then, there's the matter of the and Navy community here which opened their arms to me after my world completely feel apart.

Newport has been like an extended stay summer camp. Though it is difficult to leave, I know that summer doesn't last forever and eventually all of the campers must move onto other locations.

Thanks for the memories Newport. You will not be forgotten.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Bougie Girl In The Kitchen: I Don't Get Paid 'Til Next Week Chicken

Chicken thighs are great for that week in-between pay checks. You can cook them as a stand alone dish or add them to salad and/or pasta dishes.

 I slow cook the chicken over in a medium pan filled with grape seed oil, vegetable broth, lemon juice, cumin, and black pepper for about a total of 2 hours.

 (Please note that I turn the chicken at least twice every 30 minutes during the 2 hour during cooking time.) After the chicken is thoroughly cooked, I sprinkle shredded mozzarella on top of it and let it cool for a few minutes.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Honesty Monologue: Relationship Scorecard


It's bottom of the 9th, Team Nostalgia has been outplaying you since the top of the 5th.

This game, like the relationship started out so promising. You were given assurances by General Management aka your significant other that Team Nostalgia  could not compete against the powerhouse that is Team You. 

Of course, General Management wasn't being all that forthright with you. In fact, General Management is secretly rooting for Team Nostalgia to clobber you. It makes easier on his ego if Team Nostalgia wins. He's been trying to justify his prior bad judgement so each time Team Nostalgia hits a homer he feels as though perhaps she wasn't so bad after all.

Now, before you hit the showers all dejected and depressed. Please note that you are not the first  to  get the snot beat out of you by Team Nostalgia. No, you are simply that latest one to get shut out.  

The deck is perpetually stacked against the guest team of the game.  Wanna know a secret?

You are basically a downgraded version of Team Nostalgia.

See once upon a time,  General Management made the mistake of bringing in a Winning Team.  The Winning Team had an excellent batting average, could throw like the wind, catch the ball, and ran the bases like a gazelle. During a triple header, Team Nostalgia was completely shut out by this particular ball club.

General Management was so astonished that after the final game of the triple header he walked out onto the field and apologized to Team Nostalgia. Winning Team was shocked to see him still closely consorting with  Team Nostalgia. It turns out that he was still heartsick  over Team Nostalgia. 

From that point on, General Management fired the Winning Team and vowed to only hire downgraded versions of Team Nostalgia.

The cycle continues and your constant complaints about Team Nostalgia only brings General Management closer to  her.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Freewriting Series: Hurricane: (Insert Name Here)

Hurricane: (Insert Name Here)
Hurricane: (Insert Name Here) by Bougie Girl Apparel

He breezes in making tons of promises which he fully intends to never fulfill. She is always "trying" to do better but, these feeble efforts are only put into motion when she senses that you are about to dump her.

Human Hurricanes have no concept of the pain which they are raining down onto others. Or perhaps they do but, the winds of their dysfunction are too strong to prevent them from taking the feelings of someone else into consideration.

Human Hurricanes unleash ridiculousness and strife wherever they go.  Whenever someone confronts them on their BS, they take their histrionic fits, manipulative behavior, and outright deception on an extended road tour of sorts.
Alas, they return the following season and attempt to use new and inventive BS to worm their way back into your life.

When  dealing with Human Hurricanes,  remember to batten down the hatches of your home and hearth. Also, be sure to evacuate the area until their storm of destruction passes.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Honesty Monologues: I Am A Black Hole of Emotional Emptiness

I Am A Black Hole Of Emotional Emptiness
I Am A Black Hole Of Emotional Emptiness by Bougie Girl Apparel

I love the way that you keep trying to "heal" my empty soul. The women whom I usually deal with are more concerned with how I can benefit them. This is fine with me because I am bringin' a whole lotta crazy to the table. The opportunistic ladies of the world see me for who I am and they are alright with long as I can properly compensate them for their time.

These associations only last for  six months to a year...or until something better comes along for me. I throw a few dollars at them, a trinket or two, and then I walk away without looking back. There have been times when a lady has not appreciated being dumped by the proverbial side of the road by me. Over time, they get over it.

 Occasionally, down the road, I may revisit some of the clingier ladies in my stable. I romance them for a couple of weeks and then promptly disappear. I am off to the next conquest.
How can I be so callous and cold? Well, I will let you in on a little secret...I am a black hole of emotional emptiness. I am severely limited when it comes to relationships and personal interactions in general.  

Where did this emotional emptiness derive from? I could launch into a diatribe about the lack of parenting that my siblings and I received from my emotional distant mother and alcoholic father. Perhaps, you would like more detail about how I never fit in with my high school classmates?
I can spin you a tale of childhood heartbreak and disappointment which would cause many a sleepless night.

The fact remains that all of your healing love is lost on me in the long run. Don't get me wrong, your love has changed my life for the better. I don't ever remember being this genuinely happy and feeling so safe in a relationship.

But, I fear that over time, my perpetual emotional emptiness will eventually drain the life out of you.  I have made so many mistakes and hurt so many people. (I mean, even parasitic ladies have feelings, too.)
I refuse to destroy the best thing that ever happened to me. Instead, I am going to save you a lifetime of tears and pain by walking away from you forever.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Honesty Monologues: Always Around, Never There

Always Around...Never There
Always Around...Never There by Bougie Girl Apparel

He  trots out the old photo album from our teens and early 20's.  In  the background "our song" is playing on the stereo. He is hoping that these actions will cause me to forget the many years of pain that we have both caused one another.

These nostalgic flourishes are designed to mask  the toxicity which comprises our relationship.

A part of me wants to give into the nostalgia and take him back one last time. We've been together in a dysfunctional dance of break up to make up for so long that we don't really know anything else. 

After each break up we  swear that it is the last time that we will reunite.  Yet, here I am sitting on his couch listening to his sales pitch for why we belong together.

We have spent far too many years, paging through this  tattered photo album and listening to our old song.

Yet, tonight is different. I am listening to the song with fresh ears. The bittersweet lyrics which used to make me long for   this den of seem kind of juvenile. I don't want to spend the rest of my life suspended between love and hate. I just want the love part of the equation. 

He senses that I am not at all swayed by his presentation.
He pulls out the trump card.

"Sweetheart, we've been together for almost 20 years. We've been around for just about everything in each other's lives and vice versa."

He is right of course. We have always been around each other and truth be told it hasn't really been for the best. He showed up drunk to my father's funeral and I caused a fistfight at his cousin's wedding. 

Our families love us but, they can't stand what we bring out in one another. It's childish and hurtful. Each time, I try to move on. He finds a way to sabotage it. Admittedly, I ruined his  marriage to a perfectly nice lady. 

 He has a teenage daughter from that marriage whom barely speaks to him because our BS dysfunctional relationship. The screwed up thing is that we don't really even like each other. And as far as respect, well, we don't harbor a lot of that towards one another. 

So why have I  wasted the past 20 years in this situation? 

Because, I  foolishly believed that the fact that he was always around meant that he somehow loved me too much to let go. Now, I am older and a lot wiser. I know that he is not hanging onto me out of love. His fear of the unknown causes him to backslide towards me. 

He used to say to that cheating on his girlfriends with me didn't count since we were never really a couple in the first place.

Even after that blatant statement of disrespect, I stupidly allowed him come back to use me for sex, money, and whatever he needed. Cuz, I was so sure that deep down he really loved me but, was just too scared to show it. I was wrong and it has cost me 20 years of my life.

He reaches for my hand and I pull back from him.

"You are right. We have always been around one another but, we were not truly there for each other. We are too scared to completely move on from this BS situation yet, we both realize that it's too toxic to stay in long-term. So, we play a whole bunch of mind games with one another, use innocent 3rd parties to make each other jealous, and sabotage any potential relationships that come our way. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to be loved and cherished. I know deep down inside that you want the same thing. But, we both have to realize that neither one of us has the capacity to offer it to each other. It wasn't in the cards for us. We should have cut our losses years ago. But, we were too immature and lacked the true love for one another to do so. Time marched on and we both got used to the default situation that we created. We equated "always being around" to "being there" for one another.  I am so sorry for sabotaging your marriage. I was so hurt and angry that you didn't want to marry me. I never stop to think that my actions were hurting more than just you.
You were trying to start over and I wouldn't let you. I thought of all of the past relationships which you sabotaged of mine and it pissed me off. I was going to have to start from scratch while you got to enjoy domestic bliss. It never occurred to me to view your new beginning as a sign to make changes in my own life. "

His eyes are brimming with tears. He loved his ex-wife so much. He called me the day she filed for divorce and we talked. Of course, one thing led to another and I ended up comforting him...yet again.  Six months later, he was back on her doorstep begging for another chance. She declined his offer of a reconciliation. But, that didn't stop him from longing for her. I believe that he will spend the rest of his chiding himself and blaming me for the failure of his marriage.

Without another word, he shuts the photo album and escorts me to the door.
And just like that...20 years of BS has finally come to an end.

(This is a work of fiction as are all of the Honesty Monologues.)

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