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Monday, October 31, 2011

Bougie Girl Apparel: Bougie Girl


bougie girl shirt
Bougie Girls rock confidence!
They know who they are and they work it!
I know who I am and I work it.
I am a Bougie Girl
Bougie Girl Apparel





Honesty Monologue: I Am the One That Got Away


I am the "One That Got Away" aka "The Exception" aka the "Holy Grail" for my exes. I live on a pedestal in their mind. They have gingerly placed me there as a way to avoid experiencing true intimacy with their wives/significant others. 

It still amazes me the way in which my exes return  to me battle scarred from their latest relationship disaster with promises of new-found devotion. They seem to forget how they once vowed to never deal with a strong willed woman such as myself ever again. 

Apparently, dealing with a straightforward woman is a refreshing change from the manipulative ones which they seemed so content to pursue. Alas, their appreciation for me arrived too late in the game. Once someone violates my trust,they no longer exist for me in the same way. I can feel love towards them but, the respect I once held for them is gone.  

My role as the "One That Got Away" is to serve as a life lesson. Reconciling with exes whom didn't appreciate me the first time around, would throw off the cosmic balance of things. How would they  ever learn their lesson if I agreed to take them back?






 






Site of the Moment: Boujie Mack

 Boujie Mack
 I found Boujie Mack via Twitter. This is a well-written blog with a lot of good information, a sassy attitude, and it is updated on a regular basis. What more could you ask for?





Sunday, October 30, 2011

Bougie Girl Apparel: Casserole Queen


Casserole Queen shirt
Casserole Queen by Bougie Girl Apparel
Ode to the cuisine of my Midwestern upbringing! 



Saturday, October 29, 2011

Honesty Monologue: I Attract What I Am...But, I Don't Like What I Attract


I want to meet a woman whom will love me and treat me with respect. I want woman whom will bring out the best in me. Someone whom I can be proud of.

Yet, I do not generally attract those type of women. I attract anchorweight chicks whom stalk me through out the day. They want me to validate their whole existence during every moment of the day. They drive me up the wall but, time and again, I seem to attract them.

The truth is that anchorweights are easy to find, simple to dispose of, and they are also interchangeable. I am in control of these anchorweight relationships and that was fine during my younger years.

However, now I am about a whole lot more than where the next party is and which movie is playing this weekend at the Cineplex. I want a woman that can match me on my intellectual level and is not afraid to call me out on my BS. I want woman  that wants to be with me out of love and not financial necessity.

Yet, anytime that I get remotely close my ideal woman...I make sure to sabotage it by acting like a jackass.

Afterwards, I find another anchorweight and start the whole cycle all over again. I am aware of my pattern and the way it is impeding my ability to have a lasting healthy relationship. I can't help myself though. I guess when it comes down to it, I don't feel as though I deserve anything better than an anchorweight.

I need to man up and realize that kickin' it with anchorweights is blocking true love from entering my life. I also need to love myself enough to take a step towards healthier relationships.










Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bougie Girl Apparel: Mutha Hustla


Mutha Hustla shirt
Mutha Hustla by Bougie Girl Apparel
This T-shirt is dedicated to the ladies out there holdin' it down and stayin' on their grind! Life may get a little rough but, these ladies know how to handle themselves in any situation.



Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Bougie Girl Apparel: The Art of A Hustle


The Art of a Hustle shirt
The Art of a Hustle by Bougie Girl Apparel

This T-shirt encapsulates the way in which I live my life.
Visit the Bougie Girl Apparel store on Zazzle!



Honesty Monologue: I Am A Hater


I don't want anyone to be happier, prettier, wealthier, or better off in anyway than I am. I have always been this way. However, over the years I have gotten really good at hiding my hater tendencies. My husband knows but, I have him so hemmed up that he won't dare say anything to me about it.

I want to change because my kids are in junior high and they are turning out to be a hater just like their mom.

I want more for them. My hateration has killed many of  my friendships and now I am surrounded by "yes people" whom are petrified of pissing me off.

I cry myself to sleep because I know that this affliction has prevented me from being content with the blessings that I do have. My life is a living hell and now my kids are walking the same road and they refuse to listen to me about it.

"Mom, why is alright for you to hate on other people for what they have?"

The sad part  is that I  really don't have a good answer for their question.







Monday, October 24, 2011

Honesty Monologue: I Am a Loser



I am a loser. Yet, I try to hide this fact, by hanging out with people whom are far worse off than I am. 

The losers I hang out with worship me. I am their fearless leader. Whenever we go out, all eyes are on me because well, I am the cream of this pathetic crop.

A while back one of my non loser associates from my childhood tried to help me move out of Loserville. I hung out with her a few times, but I didn't have any fun. For one thing, all of her friends were attractive and super together with their lives. They kept asking me questions about what I did for a living.

I am a clerk at a small company. Basically, I stamp envelopes all day. One of them told me that I should look into moving up to an administrative assistant position or some crap like that. It really pissed me off. Cuz, I like where I am in my career.

I work from 7 am to 4:30 pm Monday through Friday and I got no stress.

My friends all work fast food jobs and wear uniforms. They think that I am important, cuz I  get to work in an office all day and don't have to wear a uniform.

Anyway, so I had to stop hanging out with the "Too Together crew". Being around them made me feel like a loser. I am a loser, but I prefer my own group of friends. They look up to me like some sort of heroine goddess.

Just as it should be.







Sunday, October 23, 2011

New Segment: Honesty Monologue



Deceiving  other people is not cool. However, deceiving ourselves  is just plain tragic!

I am on a one woman mission of sorts to end the tragedy of self-deception. In typical Bougie Girl fashion, I am turning on the lights and positioning the mirror so that we can all see what we look like tangled up in our own BS.

I am going to tackle tough topics such as: eating disorders, divorce (from the perspective of both spouses and the children), jacked up childhoods, obesity, chemical dependency, relationships (the good, the bad, and the Run like hell.), friendships,  personal development, and unemployment just to name a few.















Saturday, October 22, 2011

Freewriting Series: Fellow Journey Walkers

Fellow journey walkers are an important aspect of the path towards Enlightenment



I have met so many great people along my path towards Enlightenment!

My fellow journey walkers have definitely made this tough trek a lot more bearable for me.

Sometimes, our paths diverge from one another either for a short or long-term basis. 

Perhaps, one of my fellow journey walkers has to traverse through the River of Sorrow, while I am supposed to scale the Mountain of Intimacy Issues. Eventually, we come back together on the path filled with stories of our respective adventures.

We cheer each other on through the most difficult parts of the journey and offer up some tough love whenever necessary. We communicate through phone calls, texts, Facebook, and sometimes even face to face. (The method of communication varies dependent upon the individual journey walker's needs.)

I want to thank all of my fellow journey walkers for being there for me. Your support has helped me through seriously rocky road. I look forward to many more adventures with you all.









 



Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Overcoming the Loser Spirit: Letting Go of the Past



LETTING GO OF THE PAST
Clinging to our past can really jack us up. By doing so, we get caught up in constantly reenacting past situations, instead of living in the present. 

In addition, clinging to the past keeps us tethered to our mistakes and missteps. It forces us to carry  around perpetual feelings of shame or unworthiness about our previous missteps.

Hanging onto these  negative feelings allows people from our past to manipulate, guilt, and/or harangue us into doing their bidding. We rationalize that our shared history gives them the right to disrespect our boundaries.

We fail to realize that shared history alone does not automatically equal love or mutual respect. We can honor our past, but we must not allow ourselves to be completely governed by it.



Exercise #1
  • Write down 5 people/situations from your past which you are still hanging on to.
  • Write 5 reasons why you are still hanging onto these 5 people/situations.
  • Has hanging onto the past adversely affected your present life? If so, how?
Exercise #2
  • Write down 5 reasons why you want to let go of your past.


Song of  the Day
J.S. Bach's Toccatta and Fugue in D Minor

Meditation
I honor my past, yet live in the present. The past is over and cannot be changed. The present is gift which must be cherished.








Sunday, October 16, 2011

Blog Action Day: Odd and Ends in the Kitchen

Today's post is dedicated to World Food Day.  Late last week, I registered with the Blog Action Day website to write a post involving food.


I added leftover raspberries and blueberries to this cake.


During my childhood, both of my parents drilled into me the importance of not wasting food.

My  mother was very skilled at  making casseroles out of odds and ends leftover from both the refrigerator and pantry.

In addition, she also used leftover hamburger and hot dog buns as the bread component of open-faced sandwiches. Remainder pieces of hard cheeses were either used in soups, salads, and/or served as an appetizer. Leftover fruit was chopped up and  served with  either chocolate or caramel on top.


Years later, I have put my mother's tutelage of cooking with odds and ends to work. As a result,  I have created  some of my best recipes from random leftover ingredients in my food larder.

For example, I once  used chopped up pieces of lime as an ingredient in a brown rice and chicken dish. The lime spruced up the taste and brought a little summer to the otherwise cold weather dish. As I took the first delicious bite, I gave a silent thanks to my mother for teaching me how to be creative with leftover ingredients.

Unfortunately, there are way too many folks in the world and in our own communities whom are lucky if they can even scrounge up any type of food at all. Leftovers are an unfamiliar concept to them.

Yet, we can all do something about this. Donating  cans of vegetables to a local food kitchen, cooking up a few casseroles for a needy family in our neighborhood, starting a community garden, or even donating money to an international charity are all ways to help fight hunger.

Let's all do our part.































Saturday, October 15, 2011

Overcoming the Loser Spirit: Making Peace with the Past


Making peace with our past better aligns us to our present circumstances. Unresolved emotions from the past hold our present hostage and robs us of our future. These unresolved emotions manifest themselves as  fast moving funnel clouds, which suck up all of our energy and leave us feeling drained.

As the years go by, we realize that our life has become a wasteland of broken dreams, worn out regrets, and faded memories from which we are unable to escape. Each time we make a new start, funnel clouds from our past swoop in and destroy every aspect of it.

We have to understand that we cannot let go or forgive the past until we make peace with ALL of it.

Exercise #1 
Use a journal or a notebook for the following exercise:
  • Write down 5 actions  from your past which you are seeking to make peace with.

Exercise #2
Use a journal or a notebook for the following exercise: 

  • Write down 5 ways in which unresolved issues from your past are interfering with your current life.

Song of the Day
Op 49 No.4 Wiegenlied / Lullaby by Johannes Brahms

Research Assignment
Tao Te Ching by Lao-Tzu

Meditation
Making peace with my past, enables me to honor the present, and better embrace the future.









Friday, October 14, 2011

Freewriting Series: Yet, Another Door...

What is behind this door???
 
As I walk along this path, I see a door and it beckons to me. I have spent the past several months closing doors to my past. However, there is something different about this door. I can sense that walking across its threshold will not bring me to heartache or disappointment.

No, this door leads to the next chapter of my journey.

As I approach it, I take a deep breath and turn the handle...






Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Freewriting Series: Puddles vs. Oceans



How many times have you thought that your friendship or relationship was deeper than it actually was?

I have fallen into the trap of attaching deep meaning to superficial associations. I blame my mind, because my heart is actually pretty no-nonsense when it comes to these things. Alas, my mind in all its infinite swirling can build castles out of pup tents and put a spin on almost anything.

This past year, I have shattered a lot of illusions that I was carrying about the people around me. I had to downgrade the status of many people in my life from friend to acquaintance. In addition, I had to also admit that an infinitely charming significant other was pulling some seriously shady crap that I ultimately could not abide by. 

In my mind, I had likened these associations to sailing in a yacht on the ocean.  However,  in reality it turns out that I was merely splashing through puddles in a parking lot.







Monday, October 10, 2011

Freewriting Series: Symbols of Stability

What really goes on behind this picket fence?

This white fence has come to symbolize stability for so many of us. We picture ourselves tucked safely behind it. The problems of the world dare not touch us behind this fence. Behind this fence, we can let our guard down and pretend that our lives are so much richer than those of our neighbors.

We dare not admit to ourselves or anyone else that our life behind this fence is not always so peachy keen. We do not utter a word about how our spouse is on the verge of leaving or that the kids are picking up on the bad vibes between Mommy and Daddy.

Instead, we host backyard barbecues, stress out over which baked goods to bring to the monthly fundraiser at church, and debate whether contacting our ex-flame on Facebook is really considered cheating.






Sunday, October 9, 2011

Overcoming the Loser Spirit: Taking Ownership

Taking Ownership Bag
 
Taking ownership of  our lives means that we no longer scapegoat other people for our problems or bad decisions. Owning up to our part in any situation empowers to move on with our lives. We cannot continue to blame our parents, significant others, children, exes, employers (past and present), and/or elected officials, for our unhappiness. Even though, their actions may have played a role in our less than satisfactory situation.

We cannot control other people and we cannot change the past. However, we can take ownership of our own actions and reactions towards others.  Taking ownership frees up our hearts and minds to accept  the positive things coming our way. In addition, it  keeps the Loser Spirit at bay.

Exercise #1
Answer the following questions:

  •  Do you struggle to take ownership of your part in the situation? If so, why? If not, why?
  • List out 5 past occurrences in which you did not take ownership of your part in the situation. Did the situation ever get resolved? If so, what was the resolution?
Research Assignment
Read at least 5 articles associated with the Internet search term "blaming others".

Song of the Day: 
Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

Meditation:
Taking ownership of my part in every situation empowers me to grow as a person. Blaming and scapegoating others for my problems keeps me tethered to negativity.







Friday, October 7, 2011

Overcoming the Loser Spirit: Building Self-Awareness

 Building Self-Awareness Dinner Plate
 
 Self-awareness is an important navigational instrument for overcoming the Loser Spirit. Without self- awareness, we stumble around needlessly looking for external factors to define us. Our careers, relationships, financial status, material goods, and/or physical appearance will not grant us self-awareness. Self-awareness comes to us via asking ourselves questions and giving honest answers.

Exercise 1#
Answer the following questions:
  • What are 5 of your strengths and 5 of your weaknesses?
  • What do enjoy doing in your spare time?
  • Where would you live if money were not a factor?
  • What motivates you?
  • What is your biggest fear?
  • What gives you the greatest amount of joy?
  • How has the Loser Spirit impacted your life?
Exercise #2
Answer the following questions:

  • What are 5 of your core values?
  • Are you a people person or a loner?
  • What traits do you look for in a friend?
  • What traits do you look for in a significant other?

Research Assignment
"Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius

Song of the Day
Chopin's Etude Op. 25 No. 10

Affirmation
I possess the ability to both become and remain self-aware.








 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Overcoming the Loser Spirit: Making the Decision to Heal






The decision to heal  from our emotional pain  requires us to navigate through a thorny path of pent up anger and sadness. 

Yet, choosing not to heal, blocks us from experiencing love in its most authentic form.

In turn, we remain stuck in the unpleasant cycle of toxic relationships, self-sabotage, and chronic misery.

Detachment, distractions and denial all keep us tightly tethered to our pain.


The first step towards healing is to acknowledge and document both our past and present pain.  

Exercise#1
  • Write down at least 3 ways in which you would like to heal.

Exercise #2
  • Write down 3 reasons why you have decided to get on the path towards healing.

Research Assignment
Plato's Allegory of the Cave

Song of the Day
Pachlbel's Canon in D major

Affirmation
I can't change my past, but I can choose to heal from it.









Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Freewriting Series: Rusted Out Boundaries


 The chain link fence pictured in this post was not always rusty and crooked. Once upon a time it gleamed proudly and stood tall.  Quite a change from the image here.  Harsh elements and neglect are most likely the cause of its current condition.

My boundaries with certain people used to look just like this chain link fence. I kept telling myself that it was alright to let longtime associates disregard my boundaries. I surmised that our long association excused their bad behavior towards me and vice and versa.

These days, I am able to acknowledge that it is up to me to make sure that my boundaries with people do not end up damaged from neglect and corrosion.




Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Overcoming the Loser Spirit: 17 Steps Towards Healing


 




I  have spent the past couple of months blogging about the sheer destructiveness of the Loser Spirit.

Now, I am excited to finally discuss healing steps that we can all take to overcome it.

Below are 17 steps towards healing from the Loser Spirit:
  1. Making the decision to heal
  2. Building self-awareness
  3. Taking ownership 
  4. Making peace with the past
  5. Letting go of the past
  6. Self-forgiveness
  7. Forgiving others
  8. Removing the negativity from your life
  9. Filling your life with positive people
  10. Asking for help
  11. Writing about it
  12. Practicing mindfulness
  13. Self-acceptance
  14. Allowing love to flow into your life
  15. Staying present in the moment
  16. Embracing yourself
  17. Outlining your life-long pursuits
The Loser Spirit is not going to leave us alone of its own accord. Yet, battling it on a daily basis will only serve to wear us down both emotionally and spiritually.  In my experience, the most effective way to deal with the Loser Spirit is overcome it via a journey of healing.

RELATED POSTS
The Freewriting Series: What Am I Bringing to the Table?
Attachment vs. Love
The Frenemies Series: 7 Major Pitfalls of Insecurity















Monday, October 3, 2011

The Loser Spirit Series: 5 Key Ways the Loser Spirit Impacts Your Career


 


This is the final edition of "The Loser Spirit Series". In previous posts, I discussed the ways in which the Loser Spirit has negatively affected  our children, romantic relationships,  our childhoods, and our lives in general.

Writing this particular post required me to face some not so pleasant truths about  my own career path. I now realize that a majority of my career struggles were caused by my own Loser Spirit attitude. (Not an easy admission for anyone to make!)

I compiled this data using a very informal poll, personal observation, and my own career experiences.

(Please note that there are more than 5 ways in which the Loser Spirit can  negatively impacts someone's career.  However, for the purposes of this blogpost I have narrowed the list down to five.)
Below are the 5 main ways in which the Loser Spirit hurts someone's career:

1. Chasing money with the expectation that it is going to bring you happiness
 After graduating from college, my main career objective was to make as much money as possible. For the first few years out of college, I worked  an average of 60 hours a week. The Loser Spirit instructed me that this indeed was the path to happiness. Yet, I was not happy. Instead, I felt drained and cranky most of the time.

2. Seeking an identity through a job or degree
At one time, I wanted to become an Intellectual Property attorney. My original plan involved me getting a paralegal degree, moving to Los Angeles, and  eventually applying for law school. However,  I chucked that practical plan in favor of going for the brass ring outright.

It was a disaster.

I was dealing with family drama, but I also was a highly functioning anorexic. Not a good combo for one's 1L year of law school. For awhile, law school was the most stable thing that I had going for me and I clung to it like some type of life raft.

After everything fell apart at the end of my second semester, I felt as though I had been robbed of my only opportunity to ever excel in life. Of course, I was operating under a false belief.

In all actuality, my life became better. Leaving law school forced me to do the following: 1) face my issues with anorexia, 2) erect some boundaries with my family, 3) enroll in a Paralegal Studies program, and  4)  cease and desist on expecting a job or degree to give me an identity.  

3. Married to the job
I have watched people figuratively walk down the aisle with their job. Their job consumes them to the point where they have to be plugged into the office at all times. Unfortunately, some jobs out there actually require this type of non-stop dedication.

People in these types of working situations, do not have time for friends, hobbies, or even romance. After awhile this type of existence can  make someone bitter and lonely.

4. Being inflexible
I have watched the Loser Spirit lure folks down the path of career inflexibility. It tells them that the only way to experience career success is by following a linear path. Perhaps, this was the case 25 years ago. However, in this current economy, working  outside of your career field is the new normal.

5. Being a Perpetual Slacker
Some people just do not want to work. Yet strangely, they still expect to be promoted on a regular basis and blessed with frequent pay raises. The Loser Spirit convinces these perpetual slackers that they are entitled to the same gains as those whom actually possess a strong work ethic.

Removing the Loser Spirit from my career was not easy. I went through a whole bunch of emotional pain,   a lot of money, and wasted years before I was fully able to evict the Loser Spirit from my career.

RELATED POSTS
The Loser Spirit Series: 7 Types of Loser Spirit Relationships
The Loser Spirit Series: The Self-Loather and the Scapegoat








Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Freewriting Series: Faded Arrows


I was strolling through the park last week, when my eye caught this arrow. I just had to snap a photo of it. This arrow symbolizes the direction in which I was supposed to go. At first glance, the arrow looks so official and more than a bit intimidating.

However, upon further inspection, I noticed the arrow's faded appearance.  At the end of the day, the arrow  is just a harmless relic of what might have been. 

We all have stories of our own faded arrow. It is a worn out dream which needs to be relinquished, the dead relationship which we still clutch closely to our hearts, or the job which we have long outgrown.

Occasionally, I glance upon my faded arrows, but I am careful not to let them distract me from my current journey.