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Showing posts from September, 2011

The Freewriting Series: 5 Ways to Make Coupledom More Enjoyable

Let's face it, coupledom is not always easy. Sometimes, we are on the same wavelength as our partner and on other occasions it is almost as though we are from different galaxies.

However, at the end of the day, there is something comforting about being part of a healthy relationship.

Here are 5 ways for making coupledom more enjoyable:

1. Cherish both yourself and your partner.
2. Be willing to have your partner's back.
3. Don't let your physical appearance go.
4. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
5. Keep 3rd Parties out of your relationship!

The Loser Spirit Series: When A Man Settles For Less Than What He Wants...

The Loser Spirit can create life long bonds of resentment and toxicity between two people. Especially, when one or both of the parties feels as though they settled for way less than what they wanted in a relationship or marriage. In this blogpost, I am discussing what happens when a man feels as though he has settled for less in a relationship. Please note that I am also working on a future blogpost about women whom settled for less than what they wanted in a relationship.

Yup, I settled... by Bougie Girl Apparel

When a man settles for less than what he wants in a woman, he is going to make her life a living hell. Whether he is trying to or not. Women are  intuitive by nature and instinctively know when they are not in a man's heart. Sure, a woman may use a little delusion and some hem up tactics to hold the relationship together...but, instinctively  she knows that she is in a killing time situation.
There are lots of different reasons why men settle for the first woman that comes …

The Frenemies Series: An Open Letter to Entitlement


In my earlier posts in the Frenemies series, I discussed Delusion, Insecurity, Neediness, and Hateration. Writing about these Frenemies forced me to be mindful about not allowing them to creep back into my own life. I struggle with keeping them at bay as much as the next person.

Dear Entitlement,

Do you remember me?  I was the little black girl with crazy hair and a wacky home life. Yeah, I used to work really hard in school and I rarely got recognized for being intelligent.  Somehow, I did manage to get through college and even a disastrous year of law school. You told me that everything would be alright if I just remembered that no one deserved success more than I did. You convinced me that I was entitled to always get my way to make up for all of the times in which I was wronged in the past.
I recall that you assisted in getting me fitted for the chip that I had firmly lodged in my shoulder after years of being scapegoated during …

The Freewriting Series: Creative Outlets

Today, I am challenging all of my social media friends to create their own works art and share them with others.

But, Bougie Girl I am not really an artistic type!

Oh, but you are... art is in the eye of the beholder. Jewelry-making, taking pictures, scrapbooking, blogging, painting, sewing, sculpting, etc.  these all count as works of art.

No more excuses! Take a break from texting your FWB, pause from Facebook stalking your ex's new significant other, and/or step away from cultivating your Farmville estate for just a little awhile.

Take deep breath and create a work of art.

Seriously, if we are creating something, we have less time to take part in psychodrama, ruminate on a less than perfect past, numb ourselves via retail therapy, and/or any other BS  which we engage in to avoid personal growth.

Just a thought!

The Freewriting Series: What Am I Bringing to the Table?

We want to raise our  vibration level. Yet, we are constantly putting ourselves in situations which guarantee that our  vibration level will never rise. It is tempting to blame those "losers" around us  for our  lack of prospects.

But, we must ask ourselves the following question...

"What am I bringing to the table?"

Honestly, answering the above mentioned question will place us on a path towards self-awareness.

However, please note that self-awareness is not for the faint of heart.

The FreeWriting Series: Downward Slide

During the past week or so, I have stumbled a bit on my path towards Enlightenment.

Admittedly, I fell into a temporary haze of self-pity with just  dash of resentment. I kept thinking about my miscarriage and how unjust it was that my pregnancy did not make it to full-term.

 I know plenty of moms whom partied during their younger days and were still able go on to have healthy pregnancies.  I have never been a huge drinker, never even tried illegal drugs, yet I was  unable to carry my baby full-term.

I also thought about all those drugged out/drunk moms whom are able to sustain their pregnancies. Next, I ruminated on those parents whom use their kids as weapons and commodities against each other. 

Several times during the past week, I felt the sting of tears burn my eyes as I thought about how hard I worked to keep my baby- to-be safe and out of a drama filled environment. 

It is hard not to take my miscarriage as a personal slap from God.Yet,  I am a woman of faith and I know that…

The Freewriting Series: Closing the Door

We all reach a point when we must close the door on people and things whom are dragging us down and no longer serving our needs in a positive fashion.
Though, these endings are sad, closing the door enables us to minimize the damage to our overall well-being. Earlier this year, I had to close the door on a future that was no longer applicable to me. It was painful, but at the same time the experience brought me to a higher understanding of myself and others.
I am now more cognizant of what my emotional needs are in a relationship. If I had allowed the door to stay open, then disrespect and resentment would have camped out it in my emotional living room. Those two would have taken turns making me feel worse about an already dysfunctional situation. Better just to close the door and step away from it. 

The Loser Spirit Series: Leaving Our Childhood Behind

Loser Spirit Series: Leaving Our Childhood Behind Post Cards by Bougie Girl Apparel

In my previous posts about The Loser Spirit, I discussed how it affects our relationships, children, and overall well-being. The Loser Spirit  comes to us during our childhood and creates strife, pain, and inhibits our personal growth.

Unfortunately, the Loser Spirit also follows us into adulthood  through the following behaviors:

1. Making poor life choices to get back at our family 2. Sacrificing our own happiness in order to prove our family  wrong
3. Blaming our parents for everything that went wrong in our lives
4. Tailoring our lives in order to live up to our family label
5. Constantly seeking approval and validation from our parents 
6. Continuously expecting our  parents to bail us out of trouble

1. Making poor life choices to get back at our family
The Loser Spirit encourages us  to avenge our past unhappiness  by making ill-advised and sometimes downright dangerous decisions. It tells us that rock…

The Freewriting Series: Alleyways

Recently, I arrived to the alleyway portion of my journey.  In order for me to reach the other side, I am going to leave the emotional baggage at the entrance.

This is not as easy as I thought it would be.  My emotional baggage has been a dear friend to me.

I am not sure that I could leave it all behind forever.

I wonder if there is like a locker which I can place it all into for now.

Perhaps, I could send for it once I get settled onto my new path.

What if I take the long way around the alley?

I could distract myself for awhile by getting caught up in someone else's psychodrama. 

In addition, I could use their jacked up life to justify not focusing on my own.

As a result, I would not even have to go through that scary looking alleyway to continue on my journey.

Sounds like a plan...

The Free Writing Series: Hiding Places

Sometimes, it is necessary to hide from the world.   However, we cannot permanently reside in a hiding place.   Doing so, will only serve to stunt our spiritual growth.

The Loser Spirit Series: The Hem-Up Relationship

Women use hem-up tactics as a way of controlling the overall course of a relationship. (Now, to be fair there are a lot of men out there trying to hem up women as well, but that is a subject for another blogpost.) Hemmers use threads of manipulation, mind gaming, and guilt to draw the other person aka the Target closer to them.

They make promises and spout off grand plans as another way to lure the Target into their web. Underneath all of the smoke and mirrors, the Hemmer does not have a lot to offer someone in a relationship.
The Hemmer chooses her Target very carefully. Generally, she is at least one or two vibrational levels below the him. However, usually the Target has a shaky or non-existent relationship with his family, has very few friends, and  issues with low self-esteem. The above-mentioned factors make it easier for the Hemmer to stitch him closer to her.

In essence, the Hemmer creates a toxic "love quilt" which centers all around the Target. She is doing this in…

September 11, 2001--Ten Years Later...

I watched the initial crash of the airplane into the first tower and I almost choked on my breakfast. I immediately jumped up out of my chair. My adrenaline was pumping. Someone had to help those people trapped inside the building!
But, it was not going to me because I was sitting in a conference room in a law firm located in the suburbs of Minneapolis, MN.
Just ten minutes before, I was complaining about how much I detested living in Minnesota and how unfair life was for me. My earlier words were forgotten as soon as that first plane hit the tower.
I spent the next few hours emailing my friends on the Eastern seaboard and anyone else whom I knew regularly travelled for business.  Thankfully, all of my friends were safe.
Ten years later, my life is completely different from before. I am now living on the East Coast which makes the 9/11 anniversary even more poignant. 

Free Writing: My Shadow Side

My shadow side can be very demanding and impatient. I used to let her run my life. She caused a lot of damage to my friendships and relationships She meant well...most of the time.  It took many years for me to gather up the strength to call my shadow side out on her BS.
She did not take the initial confrontation well. However, she did at least acknowledge her obnoxious behavior and somewhat agreed to not be so harsh on other people.
Currently, my shadow side is enjoying a long hiatus. Perhaps, my daily blogging coupled with all of the overtime I have been working in my day gig has permanently settled her down . One can only hope...

Free Writing Series: Finding Solace in Nature

This morning, my mother was admitted to the hospital.  For about an hour this morning, I fought off a heavy stream of tears. A few months back, my father passed away. Losing my father was difficult. I just do not even want to imagine losing my mother right now.
My mother has struggled with various illness over the years and has always managed to bounce back. In fact, she has rarely let illness stop her from enjoying her life.
This morning during my near crying jag, I scrolled through my camera and found this photo. As I gazed upon it, I felt a calm come over me. The tree is standing so steady through the strong breeze. During this scary time,  I am envisioning myself as the tree in the photo.

Free Writing Series: Other People's Burdens

How many of us are dragging around burdens which do not belong to us in the first place?

How many times can we apologize to our loved ones for their crappy childhoods?

Why do we have to pay the price because our significant other experienced a toxic relationship in the past?

Why is it up to us to hide our light under a bushel, to make other people feel comfortable?

Recently, I made the decision to remove all burdens from my knapsack that do not belong to me.

Carrying the burdens of others brought my anxiety level up and my creativity down. I am not willing to sacrifice my creativity nor my mental well-being to drag around someone else's burdens.

Stepping Stone Associations

Proud To Be A Stepping Stone... by Bougie Girl Apparel

A stepping stone association consists of two people entering into an alliance to support one another whilst pursuing their own individual goals. 

Below are the key components of stepping stone associations:

1. Both parties share a goal of taking their game to the next level.
2. There is an agreed upon expiration date.
3. Both parties are willing to put in the work to achieve their shared goal.

A stepping stone association can quickly turn into a Loser Spirit situation, if  one of  the participants  refuses to pull their own weight or tries to "hem up" the other party into extending the expiration date.

For example, let's say that you are a college dropout whom is working in a dead-end job. You want to finish your degree, but you are barely scraping by as it is. Meanwhile, your  friend receives a job promotion which requires them to move out of state. They have no other friends or associates in the area. Your friend off…

The Latest News...

Currently, I am working on the final installment of  "The Frenemies Series". I started the series because I observed that so many of us were being ruled by Insecurity, Neediness, Delusion, Hateration, and Entitlement. I saved the most difficult post write for last. Writing about Entitlement makes me feel kind of weird. I never ever thought of myself as having an issues with Entitlement...until I researched it further and realized that perhaps I do. (I will go into that more in the upcoming blogpost for Entitlement.)

Meanwhile, "The Loser Spirit Series" has taken over my a good way. It has made me more aware of the Loser Spirit beliefs and bonds which have held me back over the years. The complex dynamic associated with the Loser Spirit makes it necessary for me to go through the process of naming its key components before offering up solutions. The impulsive Aries side of my nature wanted to make this series short and to the point. However, my logical si…

The Loser Spirit Series: The Self-Loather and the Scapegoat

Self-Loather And The Scapegoat by Bougie Girl Apparel

The Loser Spirit loves bringing toxic folks together to form a very unholy union. This really applies to the joining of the self-loather and the scapegoat. In my observation, the self-loather and the scapegoat are two sides of the same coin.  Both of them are carrying a truckload of self-hate towards themselves. They just express it in distinctly different ways.
Every successful self-loather needs a proper scapegoat  to blame all of their problems on. The self-loather chooses a scapegoat whom is a less evolved version of themselves.
This gives the self-loather the bonus of disliking themselves, while still getting to feel better than someone else. It is just like a dysfunctional  2-for-1 special!

The Loser Spirit reminds you on a daily basis just how sub par your scapegoat is in comparison to you.  You in turn, treat them accordingly. You set up elaborate mind games to confuse your scapegoat. You treat them poorly for the first t…

Symbol of Luck and Love

I snapped a photo of this ladybug last weekend during a park outing with a friend. The ladybug is a symbol of both luck and love. I took its unexpected appearance as a sign that both of these symbols will make an appearance on my path very soon.

The Loser Spirit Series: A Different Approach

The Loser Spirit Series by Bougie Girl Apparel
In a majority of my blogposts, I identify the different scenarios associated with a problem and afterwards I list out possible solutions. However, I am choosing to handle things differently with regard to the Loser Spirit Series. I am naming the problem and its various scenarios, but I am holding off on offering up solutions to it. Exorcising the Loser Spirit from one's life is a complex process. I want to show readers the various ways in which the Loser Spirit is cheating them out of contentment and inner peace.
I figure that way someone can make a more informed choice about whether they want to keep the Loser Spirit in their life. For some folks, the Loser Spirit is the only friend  whom they can trust. They are alright with staying emotionally stunted and blaming others for all of their problems. No matter how much the Loser Spirit robs them of a contented life, they cannot bear to evict it from their life.
I am wishing them luck…