The Loser Spirit Series: Children and the Loser Spirit

 

Children and the Loser Spirit by Bougie Girl Apparel
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People are not born with the Loser Spirit. However, they can be born into  family environments in which the Loser Spirit is present. Growing up in a household filled with abuse and/or other negative influences can bring the Loser Spirit into the life of child.

However, there are other situations which make children more susceptible to the Loser Spirit. The Loser Spirit loves infecting children with its own brand of poison. Its toxicity enters a child's life in the form of resentment. Once a child is in the clutches of the Loser Spirit, it is difficult to extract them.

This is why it is important to recognize the situations which leave your child vulnerable to the Loser Spirit in the first place. Of course, there are way more than just 7 situations which can infect your child with the Loser Spirit. I based my informal research on both my personal observations as well as interviewing parents on this subject.

Below are 7 situations which can infect your child with the Loser Spirit:

1. Expecting your child to hold your marriage/relationship together

2. Expecting the eldest child to parent their sibling(s)

3. Using a baby to trap someone into staying in a relationship with you

4. Using your child as a commodity in a divorce or separation situation

5. Using your child as a weapon against the other parent

6. Using your child as a scapegoat

7. Living vicariously through your child

1. Expecting your child to hold your marriage or relationship together 

If you and your partner are struggling to love, respect, and get along in general... then go to counseling or head your separate ways. Do not hang the survival of your relationship on a child. It is not their job to hold your marriage/relationship together.

2. Expecting the eldest child to parent their sibling(s)

 It can be tempting to constantly push off your parental responsibility onto your eldest child.  Children cannot be expected to parent their younger siblings.

3. Using a baby to trap someone into a relationship with you

Ladies, think twice before you "forget" to take your birth control in the hopes of trapping your man into staying with you or to effect an 18 year long payday... Fellas, before you poke holes in the condom because you are scared that the only way your lady will stay around is if you have a child together...

Trapping someone with a child will NOT bring you closer together. In fact, it can have the opposite effect. The person feeling trapped will resent both you and the child. Even, if they stay in the relationship, there will be a taint of resentment and the child will ultimately suffer because of it.

4. Using your child as a commodity in a divorce or separation situation

Children are not commodities. Please remember that before your shake your Ex down for additional money which you have no plans on using for your child. Wouldn't it better if that money was placed into a trust for the child's future?

Also, for those parents whom are paying child support, are you throwing  extra money at your Ex just to shut them up without examining where the money is truly going? 

Keep in mind that your child will figure out quickly that they are pawn in a power struggle between their warring parents.

A child whom is treated like a commodity will struggle with low self-worth and associate love with how much money is being spent on them or vice versa.

5. Using your child as a weapon against the other parent

Unfortunately, children are sometimes collateral damage in the emotional tug of war between their parents.

It is sad to witness two people using their children as weapons against one another. The child is an innocent party in this situation. Unfortunately, some parents insist on poisoning their children against the other one. They justify it by saying that it is important for the child to "know the truth" about the other parent.

Really?

Is it important for a 10 year-old child to know that you believe that your husband only married you because you were pregnant?  Or that your wife was from the wrong side of the tracks and you regret the day that you met her? How is it that helping your child grow into a healthy adult? Or is it just another way that you can appear to be the "good" parent.

How about a little less posturing and a lot more parenting?

6. Using your child as a scapegoat

It is not your child's fault that the other parent is not treating you well. Your child's success or lack thereof in school is not the real reason that your spouse is leaving you or refuses to return to the relationship. It is up to you to process your emotions in a healthy way. 

7. Living vicariously through your child

You have already experienced childhood. Please remember that your child has a right to theirs  as well. Sometimes, this concept gets lost in the glamour and glitz associated with being a stage parent.  Listen, I am all for supporting the dreams of your children, however as a parent it is your responsibility to make sure they do not lose their childhood because of your own unfulfilled dreams.

Parenting can be a rewarding yet, nonetheless tough gig. Even, when parents are doing their best, the Loser Spirit can still find away to lure children into its lair. However, parents still have the responsibility to avoid creating situations which invites the Loser Spirit to become a huge part of a child's upbringing.

 

Photo Op: Yet Even More Steps

Last month, I decided to post my blogs on a daily basis. In addition, said blogs would center around a cell phone photo which yours truly snapped herself. At the time, it seemed like such a huge undertaking.

Admittedly, the first week of daily posting kind of sucked. It took me two hours to hone a 100 word essay. I was also self-conscious about my abilities (or lack thereof) as a photographer.

Now, I am taking my writing up to another level by actively submitting articles to other online publications. 

Part of me wants to remain at the bottom of the steps, cocooned in the safety of my own blog.Yet, the allure of expanding my readership inspires me to keep on climbing.

Photo Op: Staying Within the Lines

I am not a conformist by nature.  During my childhood, I tried so hard to put up a facade of being like everyone else.  I was the kid whom enjoyed coloring for the heck of it. I never paid attention to the lines in the coloring book. My objective was to  transform a plain page into a wild spectrum of color!  

These days, I am proud say that for the most part, I have retained most of my trademark non-conformist ways. I just rock my Bougie Girlness and hope for the best!

Photo Op: Blackout

Due to Hurricane Irene, I spent almost all of yesterday and most of today without power.  The first few hours of the blackout, I caught up on my huge stack of reading. Afterwards, I took a long  nap and enjoyed the feel of cool breezes on my skin.

Later in the evening, I capped off the evening tossing back a few adult beverages and  hanging out with friends.

I am happy to report that my power was restored earlier tonight.

Photo Op: Straying From the Path

Last Fall, I started walking a new and much-needed path. Yet,  along the way  I have been tempted to take a break from my new found enlightenment. I try to convince myself that it is alright to stray from the path for a little awhile. After all, I am not racing anyone else.

This is my path and I call the shots here. My rebellious streak last for about a day. After my metaphysical mini-meltdown, I get back on the path and keep it moving.

Photo Op: Come to My Table...

Today, I am hosting a friend for lunch.

The menu will consist of the following:

Main Course

• Grilled cheese sandwich with provolone, turkey, and prosciutto served on a toasted wheat bagel thin.

Sides

• Red leafed salad served with sliced Baby Bella mushrooms, chopped Spanish onions, and shredded mozzarella cheese drizzled with a balsamic and lime dressing.
• Tater tots marinated in lemon juice and ginger

Dessert

• Slice

Beverage

Chilled ginger ale



Photo Op: Watching the World Pass By

From this park bench, I bear witness to  tourists clutching maps and orienting themselves to the labyrinth like streets of my quaint seaside town. They have come to this  place seeking peace from the bigger cities south of here. Alas, these tourists are too busy sight-seeing, dining in trendy cafes, and tromping through the shopping districts to truly enjoy the serenity of this town. 

 

Photo Op: Unripened

Gardening reminds us that everything happens in its own time. The tomato plants pictured here are not going to instantly ripen because we need them to. They are going to do it when they are ready.

 It is no different with the people in our lives. We cannot force/manipulate/guilt others into permanently changing before they are prepared to do so.  It has to be their decision. Even after they make the decision, it is still up to them to walk the challenging road to permanent change.

We can cheer them on from the sidelines, but we cannot walk the path for them.

Photo Op: Full Bloom

This flower encapsulates exactly where I am right now in my life. I am in full bloom mode. Love is radiating all around me!

Photo Op: Mental Clarity is Your Friend

You can rock even the most dysfunctional situation if you have mental clarity about it. It is when you try to delude yourself about the crappiness of any given situation that things have a tendency to fall apart. 

How can you make the best of a less than ideal situation if you refuse to acknowledge the crappy elements of it?  

Please note that there is a difference between acknowledging something and dwelling on it. I admit that my problem-solving mind has a tendency to dwell on a situation in an attempt to fix it.

 Alas, recently I learned the hard way that some of the best solutions derive from simply acknowledging a problem, experiencing the fall out from it, and accepting the inevitable lesson.

I witnessed first-hand how my tendency to constantly fix and problem-solve was blocking me from learning valuable life lessons. Unfortunately, I was also obstructing others from their true destiny as well.

My arrival at this painful truth yielded an unexpected bounty. Stepping back from my problem-solving ways has left me with more energy to blog every day.

Before this "revelation", it was too taxing for me to even think about blogging twice a week!

Thank you mental clarity for all that you have done for me.

Photo Op: Upside Down

 

My first impression as I took a photo of this chair was that it was broken beyond repair. However, upon closer inspection, I realized that it was indeed fixable. One of the legs just needed to be repaired and the seat re-attached. Hmm. Not so bad after all.

Sometimes, life will hurl you through unexpected and unpleasant stuff that frankly sucks!

You take care of your health and you still get diagnosed with cancer, you give it your all at work and they still lay you off. You give a significant other your best and the relationship still fails. Failure and tragedy are an inevitable part of life. Still, there are powerful lessons and growth opportunities to be found in unpleasant situations

The Loser Spirit: 11 Characteristics Found in Loser Spirit Relationships

 

loser spirit relationships post card by Bougie Girl Apparel

In my previous blogpost about the Loser Spirit, I gave a brief overview of certain relationships in which it primarily resides. In this blogpost, I will list the identifying aspects of a Loser Spirit relationship.

Below is a list of characteristics found in Loser Spirit Relationships:

1. The relationship inhibits personal evolution and growth

2. Excessive Clinginess/Neediness

3. Lack of Healthy Communication
4. Triangulation

5. Rampant Manipulation/Head Gaming

6. Chemical Dependency

7. Abuse (physical, mental, and/or financial)

8. Insecurity

9. Denial and Delusion

10. Clandestine Aspects

11. Desperation

Identifying the above-mentioned characteristics in your relationship is the first step to achieving a deeper insight. Some people are perfectly happy staying in Loser Spirit relationships. For whatever reason, they do not want rock the boat. Perhaps, in the long run they will grow to regret their decision to stay in a Loser Spirit relationship. However, if they are content to deal with the Loser Spirit on a daily basis then, more power to them!

Yet, I know that for others unhappy in their Loser Spirit relationships, staying is tantamount to hell on earth. Alas, they cannot figure out why the Loser Spirit seems to follow them from relationship to relationship. They are tired of dealing anchorweights, people with issues, agendas, neediness, excessive emotional baggage.

I wholeheartedly empathize with their frustration. There comes a point in your life when you would rather be happily alone than deal with the toxicity of a Loser Spirit relationship. 

In future blogposts, I will discuss ways to remove the Loser Spirit from both your life and relationships.

RELATED POSTS

Do You Really Wanna Stop Dating Toxic People?

The Link Between Love and Self-Respect

The Loser Spirit: Introduction

Photo Op: Prisons of Our Own Making

We desperately wish to escape from our emotional prison cell...kinda. We know that our regular habit of crawling up into a bottle of whiskey to temporarily erase all of the crappy elements of life is counterproductive.

 Yet, on some level we thwart our own chances of escape. The prison door swings open and we refuse to leave our cell. We make up excuses for why we need to stay incarcerated just a little bit longer. We stay locked in Loser Spirit situations, we find reasons not heal in therapy, we hang onto outmoded versions of ourselves, and we avoid anyone whom challenges us on our BS.

I suggest we make our prison cell as comfy as possible. Why get defensive about staying in our self-created lock up? Why not just own up to the fact that there are some perks to living in a self-created prison?

Here are a few advantages to residing in a prison of our own making:

1. We never have to emotional grow. We get to retain the maturity level of an adolescent. (Woo-hoo!)

2. We hold everyone else accountable for our poor decisions. (Where can I sign up for this?)

3. We hold those around us emotionally hostage until they give into our demands. (Heck,yeah. Prison life, yo!)

Actually, I am a huge proponent of not living in any type of prison. However, I can understand  the allure of staying emotionally stunted.

My suggestion to those living in self-created prisons is to just admit that you enjoy the payoff of staying in your cell. Stop fighting it and just rock your situation!

The Loser Spirit Series: 7 Types of Loser Spirit Relationships

7 Types of Loser Spirit Relationships by Bougie Girl Apparel

The Loser Spirit affects us in very many ways, but I have observed that it really beats us down when it comes to our relationships. This is one of the reasons why we have to be so careful about whom we let into our hearts and  lives. 

Here are 7 relationships/scenarios types in which the Loser Spirit thrives:

1. Party Buddy Relationships

2. Friends with Benefits 

3. Captain Save a Chick/Angel of Good and Light Relationships

4. Extracurricular Relationships

5. Rebound Relationships

6. Baby Mama Drama Situations

7. Default Relationships

1. Party Buddy Relationships

Elevating a party buddy's status into a spouse or significant other almost always backfires.  It is nearly impossible to turn a party buddy into a life partner. Party buddies bonds are only useful when you are  looking to get loaded and hang out. Anything deeper than where and how you are going to score drugs or the location of the next party  is way beyond the scope of your shared kinship.

In order for this relationship to survive, you have to keep the party atmosphere going strong.

However, in the harsh light of sobriety you can barely tolerate being around your party buddy.

Loser Spirit Bond: Your unwillingness to face the reality that your party buddy was not meant to be your life partner keeps the Loser Spirit bond between the both of you strong. You feel angry because your party buddy does not want to grow up. Yet, you are scared to go it completely alone without them, because their presence no matter how toxic in your life gives you a sense of security just like the drugs and alcohol did during your partying days. It is difficult to face that all the "good times" experienced with your party buddy involved being drunk and/or high. Your party buddy is hurt because all of the sudden they are not "good enough" for you anymore.

2. Friends with Benefits

It starts as an association of convenience. Both of you are in-between relationships and not looking for anything serious. You lay down some solid ground rules in the beginning of the arrangement and think that everything is going to be alright. However, you start getting emotionally attached and the convenient arrangement turns into a toxic situation.

Loser Spirit Bond:  You are holding a truckload of resentment towards your FWB because they do not want a full blown relationship. In turn, your FWB is feeling resentful because you are not sticking with the original deal terms of the arrangement. 

3. Captain Save a Chick/Angel of Good and Light Relationships

This is one of the Loser Spirit's all time favorite relationship types. Why? It is one of the most difficult bonds to break between two people. The Rescuer and the Rescuee relationship scenario is extremely toxic and it is the perfect domicile for the Loser Spirit to reside. The Rescuer does not really want the Rescuee to get their act together. If the Rescuee got it together, then the relationship would end soon after. The Rescuer has an over-arching need to control and make others beholden to them. The Rescuee is probably  struggling with chronic neediness, abandonment issues, and an attitude of entitlement. They do not want to upset the proverbial apple cart by standing on their own two feet.

 Loser Spirit Bond: There is no room for emotional growth in this relationship. The Rescuer does not encourage the Rescuee to become more independent. By the same token, the Rescuee is has no incentive stand on their own two feet.  If either one of the parties strays from their pre-assigned roles than the relationship will fail.

4. Extracurricular Relationships

You meet in the shadows and sneak around in hopes of not being discovered. If you are the side piece, chances are your married/committed to someone else lover is stringing you along with empty promises. At first, you go along with it, but as more time passes it becomes clear that your situation with them is not going to change. Yet, you are reluctant to leave just in case the promises turn out to be genuine. The resentment of your role as side piece, grows with each passing moment. 

Loser Spirit Bond: This overall situation is based on deceit and self-delusion. You have  bonded with the the person through a shady association. All your future dealings with them, even if they end up marrying you will have a taint of  distrust.

5. Rebound Relationships

You jumped into a relationship before you fully emotionally processed your previous one. Now, you are unsure as to whether you are ready to be in a relationship at all. But, you have already made promises to the new person in your life. In the long run, your hasty decision to enter into a relationship will invariably hurt your current significant other.

Loser Spirit Bond: Your unprocessed feelings towards your previous relationship causes you to emotionally neglect your current one.  Now, your current significant other resents your Ex for still being foremost in your mind. In addition, they also resent you for not being fully present in the relationship.  

6. Baby Mama Drama

The relationship is over. However, you have children together and so you have to stay in communication with one another. Yet, for some reason one or both of you still harbor resentment towards one another for the failure of your relationship. This fact inspires you to play head games with one another, badmouth each other, poison the children against one another, and generally act a fool.

On the surface, it appears that your children are the tie that are keeping you involved in each other's lives. Which is true, however, your children are not causing you to act in toxic ways towards one another. Your children are a lovely product of the Loser Spirit connection which you formed with your Ex long before they came in the picture.

Loser Spirit Bond: The Loser Spirit bond between you and your Ex is the unwillingness to release the resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and overall toxicity which existed in your relationship together.

7. Default Relationships

When the going gets tough...you go running back  to your Ex.. Things are great for a few weeks or a couple of months until it blows up again. You hate each other for a few months and then BAM...you are back together.

Loser Spirit Bond: The Loser Spirit bond between you is the fact that neither one of you is emotionally mature enough to leave this familar yet toxic relationship behind. The longer this couple persists in falling back into this relationship, the less likely they are to find true happiness.

The Loser Spirit is a formidable opponent, but it is possible to exorcise it out of your relationships.

However,  you have got to be willing draw up the eviction papers and nail them to its front door.

In future blogposts, I will discuss how to identify the Loser Spirit in your relationships. In addition, I will also offer suggestions for removing the Loser Spirit from your relationships entirely.

RELATED POSTS

Leaving Old Storylines Behind

No Love for the Kept Woman

The Savior

The Rescue Scenario

Photo Op: Hitting the Wall

Eventually, we all hit the proverbial brick wall during our life's journey. Sometimes,  this brick wall gets the better of us and we give up completely. In addition, we lash out to anyone whom will listen about the unfairness of life and grouse about the lack of anything good in our lives.

We forget that brick walls are not insurmountable. In some instances, brick walls can be easily scaled or we could simply chart another course which leads us around them entirely.

In the long run brick walls offer up the opportunuty to grow as a person and gain a new perspective about what we truly value in life.

Photo Op: Born to Fly!

I first learned to fly on a swingset in my hometown. I recall pumping my skinny little legs hard in effort to go as high as possible.  Sometimes, I would reach the zenith of height and jump out of the swing landing on all fours. It was such a heady rush, especially for an 8 year old seeking to escape a not so happy homestead.

The Loser Spirit Series: Introduction

 

The Loser Spirit Series by Bougie Girl Apparel

Recently, I had a long discussion with a good friend of mine about the reasons why some of us are unable to overcome the negativity from our pasts. I made the argument that it is completely up to the individual to move on from a crappy past and step into a  brighter future. My friend countered that it is difficult for many people to move on, because they are wrestling with a Loser Spirit which they carry with them everywhere. 

According to my friend, it is not  so easy to get rid of the Loser Spirit. It takes a whole lot of determination, inner strength, and discipline to completely exorcise it from one's life.

After our conversation, I began to review the not so bright moments of my own past. I have spent most my life being a warrior, but I recalled  during  most of my 20's there were elements of the Loser Spirit prevalent in my life.

During that time, I was also attracting needy and toxic men into my realm. I was so wrapped up in trying to control the world at large that I barely noticed the high toxicity level of my relationships. In addition, I was obsessed with proving my past detractors wrong, which led me to make decisions based solely on validating my bruised ego. Apparently, the Loser Spirit had me in its clutches for a good five years before I was able to flee it.

The Loser Spirit is like all of the Frenemies wrapped up in one. It constantly holds us back and just when we think that we have escaped it...it returns with a vengeance.

In honor of my very illuminating discussion with my dear friend, I am creating a series of blogposts discussing the ways in which the Loser Spirit negatively affects relationships, friendships, family dynamics, careers, and our individual growth.  My goal in writing these blogspots is to drag the Loser Spirit out in the open.

RELATED POST

The Frenemies Series: 7 Insights on Neediness

The Frenemies Series: 7 Major Pitfalls of Insecurity

Are You Being Held Hostage By Your Past?

Photo Op: The Beauty of Strength

The sunflower's beauty has everything to do with its regal bearing. You can sense the inner strength radiating off of her. The sunflower knows how to handle herself in any situation. Throw an unexpected crisis her way and she is making the best of it with a smile in her heart.

The sunflower is a shining example of the beauty that comes with strength. I guess that it is no coincidence this is the state flower of Kansas.

Some of the strongest women I know are from there...

Photo Op: The Link Between Love and Self-Respect

I used to gripe about dating men whom made me choose between self-respect and being in a relationship with them. In the end, I always chose self-respect.  

Yet, sometimes in  more vulnerable moments... I second-guessed my decision.

Perhaps, being in a toxic relationship was better than being single.

What was wrong with me that I would choose to be alone, instead of happily flaunting a toxic relationship like others in my social circle?

Staying in the toxic relationship would have guaranteed a date on Saturday night and a +1 on a RSVP response.

Yet, in order to do so, I would have to pack away my self-respect.

Ultimately, not worth the sacrifice.

Photo Op: Tethered

 This tree is not yet strong enough to stand on its own. Hence, the support rods on either side. Perhaps, in a couple of years it will not need to be supported in the same way.

 I wonder if the two posts on the other side will try to sabotage the tree in hopes of keeping it tethered to them.

Will the tree let an overwhelming sense of guilt keeping prevent it from growing in the way that it needs to in order to thrive sans the support posts?

Maybe, the two support posts will bow out gracefully after their work with the tree is complete.

Will the tree  create situations in which the two posts have to constantly rescue it?

Bougie Girl In The Kitchen: Snack Plate Equation

Sundays are my domestic day. I throw on some tunes and proceed to clean my apartment and cook up meals for the week. All of that domesticity can make me work up an appetite!

However, gobbling down a huge meal would have sent me to Dreamland.

Instead, I opted to go the snack plate route!

The strawberries were sweet, the celery crisp, and the sharpness of the cheddar cheese more than satisfied my hunger.

Strawberries+ celery+extra sharp cheddar cheese=Yummy goodness!

The Frenemies Series: 7 Insights on Neediness

This is the third installment of The Frenemies Series. I started this series discussing the destructiveness of Delusion. In the second installment,  I talked about the pitfalls of Insecurity. Now, I am going to lay it on the line about Neediness. I based this list on both personal observations and a very informal/unscientific poll which I conducted. I also realize that there are WAY more than 7 insights on Neediness.

7 Insights on Neediness by Bougie Girl Apparel

However, for the purposes of  "The Frenemies Series", I have chosen to explore the following insights on Neediness:

1. Neediness shows up during childhood

2. Warning: Do not feed neediness!

3. Neediness stunts emotional growth

4. Neediness is not trustworthy

5. Neediness does not love you...she needs you

6. Neediness places you in harm's way

7. Co-signing on Neediness can lock you down for life

1. Neediness shows up during childhood

Neediness makes her first appearance during childhood, typically after a tragedy such as death, illness, or even divorce. She has also been known to hang around severely dysfunctional families where abuse and chemical dependency are present. Neediness promises you that the key to happiness is being perpetually catered to by other people. You bring this belief into your adulthood and are sorely disappointed to find out that you have been deceived by Neediness.

2. Neediness craves any and all types of attention

Neediness craves any and all types of attention.You feed Neediness a scrap of attention and she hungers for more. (She is an insatiable little minx!) Whenever you give assistance to Neediness, it feels as though your life force is being sucked into a huge vortex. She takes a one-time offer of generosity and attempts to turn into a lifetime obligation of assistance.

3. Neediness stunts emotional growth.

Neediness also works in conjunction with both Insecurity and Delusion to keep you stuck in an eternal state of immaturity. Neediness convinces you that constantly being helpless is  a charming quality. In addition, she also instructs you to act a fool and stir up psychodrama in order to get your way.

4. Neediness is not trustworthy

Neediness has no interest in being trustworthy.  She is always quick to jump on bandwagons and betrays anyone... even the most generous Co-Signor/Rescuer for her own gain.

5. Neediness does not love you...she needs you

Neediness does not love you...she needs you.  Neediness rarely reciprocates love and affection.  A relationship involving Neediness often results in a truckload of psychodrama, ruined credit, chemical dependency, and misery. She is constantly demanding to be saved from her own poor judgement. She equates these rescues as acts of love.That is just how she rolls. As soon as the Co-Signor/Rescuer can no longer provide her with status, money, and attention...she's off to the next one.

6. Neediness places you in harm's way

Neediness trumps good sense and steers you into dangerous situations which could negatively impact your personal safety. She opens you up to being manipulated and abused by those taking advantage of your immense craving for any type of attention.

7. Co-signing on Neediness can lock you down for life!

Neediness is always on the lookout for a Co-signor/Rescuer. She comes onto the scene with a hapless, but nonetheless an adorable look on her face. Perhaps, her eyes are red-rimmed from crying about her latest misadventure. Naturally, you want to help her fix whatever is wrong. A year later, you do not find her constant state of distress so adorable. In fact, Neediness has started to impede your ability to take care of things in your own life.

Admittedly, you kept Neediness around because her eternal haplessness created an ego boost for you. You felt all powerful and wise whenever you were around her. Now, you feel drained and resentful of her monopolizing your time with her manufactured BS. Neediness rarely reciprocates in the good deed department. Besides, if she is helping someone else... how can she get her own needs met?

I have watched Neediness destroy friendships, relationships, marriages, and careers. She is a liar and she comes from a place of lack and emptiness. She is always seeking to fill a void via the sweat of someone else's brow.

It is not your job to "save" Neediness. Once you get caught up in her drama, it is almost impossible to flee.

Relocation, breaking up, and even divorce are not enough to get rid of Neediness. You have to exorcise Neediness from both your psyche and soul. Stop making excuses for Neediness and co-signing on her toxic actions.

The well of love from your childhood may have been non-existent or laced with large amounts of toxicity. However, you are an adult now and it is time to move onto a healthier supply of love. You have to start practicing self-acceptance and not expect others to provide it for you.

Evict Neediness from your life and change the proverbial locks on the door to your psyche.

RELATED POSTS

Platonic Love:He is Not Your Man So Stop Expecting Him to Act Like He Is

Manipulators: Have I Got a Dream For You

A Boy With An Agenda

Anchorweights

Photo Op: Getting to the Other Side

During the 1st grade, I considered the jungle gym the scariest piece of equipment on the playground. My long crazy long spider arms which helped me  rebound against taller kids during pickup basketball games were a detriment to me on the jungle gym.

My spider arms kept getting tangled up during my attempts to cross from one side of the jungle gym to the other. As a result, I always had to jump down midway through my attempts to cross the jungle gym.

For awhile, I gave up on ever being able to be a rock star on the jungle gym.

One day, I happened to watch one of my taller classmates cross the jungle gym. She had long arms like I did, yet they were not getting tangled up as she crossed the jungle gym. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that she was skipping rungs and using the momentum from her wingspan to successfully get across it.

 A light bulb went off in my head. I jumped up and got back in the line for the jungle gym. When my turn came up, I employed the same method of crossing the jungle gym as she had. To my utter delight, her method had worked for me as well. 

I learned that day the important lesson of workin' with what you got and how emulating the right people can lift you up onto a higher plane. 

Photo Op: Perspective

Sometimes, I am still amazed that I live in New England. My journey here was spontaneous and exciting, yet filled with a whole bunch of life lessons! Despite it all, I am enjoying the tranquility of my seaside town.

Admittedly, there have been times in which I have longed for the kaleidoscope sunsets of the Southwest, the down home food of Kansas, and the glamour of my previous existence on the West Coast.

Still, there is an indescribable quaintness about New England which inspires me to snap photos and ruminate on life in general.

Photo Op: Forest of Forgiveness

The path to forgiveness is not always clear cut. Sometimes, you have to enter the proverbial Forest of Forgiveness with a backpack of supplies to sustain your spirit and a machete to cut through the emotional foliage.

I entered the Forest of Forgiveness late last Fall. I recall hesitating at its entrance. My journey to forgiveness required me to get over myself and recognize my role in the situation.

The first months in the Forest of Forgiveness were beyond difficult. I had to get rid a whole bunch of hidden emotional baggage. It was only after I cleared it all out that I was able to focus on both granting and seeking forgiveness. 

Photo Op: Bundled Together

Letting go of  unhealthy situations is rarely easy. Especially, as it applies to relationships and situations which are no longer serving us. The longer we stay bundled together, the more difficult it becomes to move on from the situation. Sometimes, we mistake being tied together  by shared history, children, and/or career as a barometer of deep feelings. 

Generally, people stay in familiar situations out of fear and convenience. However, remove those elements and the situation considerably alters. In other words, remove the proverbial string and on a windy day watch those branches pictured above scatter in all directions.

After the winds die down, only the frayed binding remains in the same place. You run back and clutch onto the string for dear life. You attempt to gather up all of the branches in a desperate attempt of binding them together with the frayed string. Yet, some of the branches have broken and their jagged pieces both cut and pierce your skin.

Still, you frantically try to assemble the branches together in the same way they were before the frayed string was cut. Years pass by and you are still trying to gather up the broken branches of your past.

There are new trees in the neighborhood, but you do not even notice them. Your attention is still focused on gathering up the dead sticks form your past.

Photo Op: Unexpected Fireworks

All it takes is a spark and a little  heat and BAM you have got fireworks!  Your eyes meet across the room and instantly you know that he is going to become an important part of your life. It may not happen right way...but, it will happen. Are you prepared for the combustion?

Photo Op: Protection for the Journey

Right before I relocated from California to New Mexico, my dear Japanese neighbor/little brother gave me this amulet for protection. He explained to me the importance of being protected on one's journey. His mother had given it to him  for protection before he moved to the United States.  I have carried this amulet in my wallet for nearly three years. It has been with me for two house moves, joy, heartbreak, and everything in between!

   

Photo Op: Steps to Healing

I have reached the point in my healing journey where it is time to step up onto higher ground. I could probably jump the steps two at a time and move onto the next part of the journey. However, these steps are not ordinary ones. All of them represent a key aspect of my grieving process. In the span of six months, I endured the breakup of my engagement, a miscarriage, and my father's death.

I have gone through relationship breakups before. I would cry for a couple months, listen to uplifting music, take a few of foreign language classes, and start dating again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I suffered my first miscarriage during my sophomore year of college. I did not even know that I was pregnant until I started to miscarry in the dorms. It was scary and traumatic. I was 19 years old, but  somehow I got through it.

By the age of 25, I mourned the deaths of at least fifteen loved ones. Six of the deaths were suicides. The sadness of losing all of those people almost took me under more than a few times.Yet, even through the tragedy I found that the best healing elixir for me was to live each day as though it were my last.

Still, all of my prior adversity training could not possibly prepare me for these recent losses. I tried to gloss over everything and put a smile on my face. It worked up until a point. But, it was apparent that I was going to have to do the hard work of properly emotionally healing from these back-to-back losses.

Writing and taking photos are helping me on this healing journey. 

Last week I hit the first metaphorical step.  I did not shed many tears for the breakup, I cried a little about the miscarriage, but I was in the process of changing jobs.At the time, I had to rock some serious stoicism.  The news of Dad's passing produced shock and some tears. But, dealing with planning the funeral and probate dried said tears very quickly. I had to put my game face on and keep myself together.

I hit the first metaphorical step last week. This step involves releasing the sadness associated with these concurrent losses. I do not know how long I am supposed to stay on the first step. I guess that my instincts will assist me in navigating myself up the remainder of these metaphorical steps.