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Showing posts from January, 2011

Steadying the Ladder

Steadying The Ladder by Bougie Girl Apparel
I do not need you to climb up the ladder to save me from my isolated tower. However, steadying the ladder during my downward descent would be most helpful.

Of course, meeting me halfway up the ladder could also work. I just do not want to have to rely on you to save me from some big bad scary dragon, errant nobleman with dubious intentions, and/or my own lack of self-worth.

I have relied on a Prince before to my detriment, I might add. Now, I am making the conscious decision to keep my reliance on them down to a bare minimum.


Revoked by Bougie Girl Apparel

The notice came in the mail yesterday. It is not really a big surprise to me.
Basically, I am banned from performing any heroic acts until my hearing in two weeks. Someone reported me to the Board of Bad A** Women for enabling and codependent behaviors. They performed an investigation and deemed that the charges leveled against me are valid enough to revoke my license pending the outcome of my hearing.

These are baseless charges and I cannot wait to tell the Board my side of the story. I never enabled him per se, I just provided a stable environment and perhaps carried a lot of the relationship load. But, surely every couple goes through a period in which one partner has to carry the load of the other. Sheesh!

I think that I can beat the enabling rap. However, the Board really takes a dim view on Codependent behaviors in general. It goes against the very core of what the Board will tolerate from one of its certified Bad A** Women.

What This Fight is Really About

What This Fight Is Really About... by Bougie Girl Apparel

We are having our first fight and it is scary. I am thrown off, because it came out of nowhere. My mind has gone into quick analysis mode and it keeps coming up with the same answer. This argument has nothing to do with us as a couple.It is all about his painful past which I have not been privy to. I am an outsider in the argument. He is lashing out at the world whilst battling his own inner demons.

The air is thick with unresolved issues and the sickeningly sweet aroma of overwrought nostalgia. I have a feeling that this is a defense mechanism which has kept others at arm's length.

My first instinct is to warn him about setting up camp in the dusky corridors of the past. I know from first-hand experience that this can only end badly for him. Alas, he is determined to play out this drama. I have no choice but, to sit on the couch and watch the demise of our relationship.

This Dark Night of the Soul: Lesson #3

This Dark Night of the Soul: Lesson #3 by Bougie Girl Apparel

Lesson #3-Being in a relationship with a wounded person can take a lot out of you. Learn to love them for who they are and do not try to "save" them for the sake of the relationship.

Loving a wounded man has been one of the most difficult things that I have endured in the past few years. Yet, I would not change the circumstances and everything that has occurred since we parted ways. I learned a lot about a recurring pattern which I need to break free of. I thought that if I could get him onto a higher level that it would equal me breaking this pattern of "saving" the men in my relationships.

But, my ploy backfired on me, thankfully. By trying so hard to make the relationship work, I was ultimately disrespecting his journey. It is up to an individual to change of their own volition. Either they will rise to the occasion or they will not. It is up to them to decide.

My ego, (which I am happy to say is crumb…

The Cave

The Cave by Bougie Girl Apparel
Sometimes, we isolate ourselves to get a better perspective on the course in which our lives are taking. Perhaps, we are deciding whether to relocate, end a relationship, change careers, or lose weight.

We know that we cannot stay in the cave forever. Eventually, we will have to come out and face the world. Facing the world after being in the cave, is disconcerting to say the least. We will have to explain to loved ones that our absence had nothing to do with them.

They may or may not believe us, but we cannot focus on their feelings. We have to concentrate on working things out in our own minds.


Scapegoat by Bougie Girl Apparel
It is my fault. That is what he told me. I listen intently not believing a word of his diatribe, but curious to see how far he will go with it.

He is blaming me for his lack of career advancement and the fact that his co-workers do not like him. If only, I were more attractive or held a better job. Then, he would be able to move up. But, it is all my fault that his life is currently in the crapper.

He is casting about for a scapegoat and I am it. I have been since the second month of our relationship. We are now in month seven and the diatribes are getting more and more vitriolic. I will probably have to leave this relationship in a few weeks. It has become too emotionally painful to sit around and be his scapegoat.

When, I tell him that it's over. He is shocked and angry, but not saddened about the break up. He knows that within a few days, he will be able to find a new candidate for his girlfriend, er, I mean scapegoat.

Who was Gonna Teach Us?

Who Was Gonna Teach Us? by Bougie Girl Apparel
We want to love in earnest, but we never learned how to do so.

Who was gonna teach us?

In our world, dysfunctional emotional attachments are often equal love.

Emotional attachments urge us to keep the peace for the sake of not being alone.

We do not dare reveal our true selves to significant others.

It is way too risky. Our significant other may become overwhelmed and run away from us.

How could we possibly know that real love is unafraid to be sincere in its emotion?

No one ever told us.

We do not know that love's shining light offers up healing and an opportunity to grow.

Instead, we seek to keep our significant other placated and numbed to reality.

How could we know that true love is based more in reality than fantasy?

Who was gonna teach us?

The Rescue Scenario

THE RESCUE SCENARIO by Bougie Girl Apparel
Rescuing can gives us such a rush of power. There we are flexing our strength to the less fortunate. The look of appreciation and gratitude from the Rescuee is priceless. Everyone wins...for a time. Until , the Rescuee becomes overly dependent on our heroics and we begin to view their helplessness as a ploy to control us.
Or we continue to make sure that the Rescuee stays overly dependent on us so that we can make ourselves feel more powerful.

In our role as Rescuee, we may associate each "rescue" as a display of love towards us. The Rescuee fears that a main source of love will be snatched away from them. Therefore, we create situations in which we will need to be rescued to sustain the feelings of being loved. The Rescuer eventually burns out on this scenario and begins to avoid the Rescuee.

In our role as Rescuer, we are constantly on the lookout for someone to "save".
Sometimes, we focus our attention on just one per…

The Savior

The Savior by Bougie Girl Apparel

He is determined to save me from myself. He is going show me the world in a whole new way. Someone as pedestrian as myself should be honored that he desires to become my self-appointed Savior.

I go along with it to humor him. Why should I complain? Most women, would kill to have a man willing to drop everything and help them. The first two months of the relationship are pure bliss.

He moves in with me and insists on paying all of my bills. For the first time in my life, I feel taken care of and truly loved.

Pretty soon, my bliss turns into a nightmare. He insists that we have to start hanging out with his married friends and their wives.

They hate me on sight. Oh sure, they are polite enough. But, I know that they think that I am not good enough for him. My community college paralegal certificate is not a good enough pedigree for their social set.

Time spent with his friends means that I will sit in silence as they make fun of people from "less…

Choking on Nostalgia

choking on nostalgia by Bougie Girl Apparel

We sit across the table from one another, romantic electricity is sparking all over the place. This could be the time in which we are finally going to turn this undercurrent of emotion into a more tangible relationship.

We swap anecdotes about our shared past together. Hours pass and we do not even notice that the bright Southwestern sunshine has been exchanged for a denim-colored dusk. Outside of the restaurant there are couples holding hands and smiling at one another. We follow their lead. It feels great to be strolling down the street with him.

Our shared history crackles between us.


We are married a few years ago in a simple lake side ceremony. Nostalgia ushered us down the aisle and on to the path of life. Our marriage has not been an easy one.
The first year was absolute bliss, better than I could have imagined it. We spent most of it jetting around and visiting old friend…

Grasping for Who and What We Know

Grasping for Who and What We Know by Bougie Girl Apparel
Sometimes, our pasts can scar us so badly that we are unable to truly move forward with our lives. We keep going back to that fateful day, in which we discovered that life does not always provide a storybook ending for us.

Our parents neglected our emotional and physical needs. A trusted friend betrays us or a significant other disappoints us in the worst way possible. These events become transfixed in our minds and we can mistakenly allow them to stop us from going forward.

We throw our guard way up against the possibility of being hurt. All of the good people whom subsequently encounter us after we have been hurt are pushed away. Our focus remains on those people from our past.

We waste a lot of time trying to work out things in our minds. If we could just go back to that time and fix everything, maybe the outcome would have been different.

We seek out others with similar characteristics of those from our pasts, so that we c…

Battling One's Demons

Battling One's Demons by Bougie Girl Apparel
It has been one thing after another.

A break up and then an unexpected but, nevertheless catastrophic loss. By all rights, I should be on the floor crying my eyes out and unable to function.

No one would blame me if I took an unexpected detour to "Crazy Lady" land.

However, past experience with adversity has trained me to walk through pain with my eyes wide open for the lessons that it will inevitably provide.

This time the lessons are proving to be a lot harder to implement into my life. My previous adversity had manifested itself in external circumstances such as: finding a career path, starting over in a new city, and surviving in a Recession.

As difficult as my life was ten years ago, I find myself somewhat longing for my financially strapped days in which my struggles were external. I can fight an outside enemy.

But, how do I fight my own inner demons?

I am sure that these inner demons have always been with me. Yet, I …

Love Don't Look Like That

Love Don't Look Like That Tanktop by Bougie Girl Apparel

"I love you." He says pulling me into a gentle hug.

I quickly step out of the hug.

"Yeah, you love me so much that you have lied to me at every turn, hacked into my email account, snooped through my cell phone, given our mutual friends a sob story about how you want to be a "better man" for me, and chased away all of my potential suitors. Love don't look like that."

His eyes grow large at my unexpected diatribe. He starts to speak and then stops himself.

I continue my tirade.

"Oh, you thought that I did not know the game you've been playing for the past five years. Surprise. I have been onto you for awhile, but for some reason I could not bear to let you go. However, now I am looking for a true partnership and not just the fairy dust of romantic feelings. No hard feelings. "

I offer out my hand in a friendly gesture. He ignores it.

I withdraw my hand and walk away.

Change Becomes Necessary

Change Becomes Necessary by Bougie Girl Apparel
The past few months have taught me a lot about the importance of moving on to the next phase of life. It's important to do so otherwise you run the risk of staying stuck in moment in which you can never escape.

Can you imagine every day being so caught up in the past that the present passes you by?

I have been stuck there a few times. Fortunately, I have great friends whom will tug me out of my melancholic reveries. They remind me that the past is already spoken for and that there is no use in constantly staying there.

How many times did I throw good relationships in favor of an ex whom could never live up to the memories which I had of him? Or stayed rooted to a toxic friendship because I had spent so many years in it?

All the while my heart and soul are crying out for me to move on to the next phase.

The toxic ex, the former friend, the dead end job what ever it is that has stunted my growth in the past can no longer do so.


Bougie Girl In The Kitchen: Ginger Beef Strips with Mushrooms and Scallions

Earlier today, I was craving panko crumbs. I had planned to integrate panko crumbs into this evening's supper. However, I was unable to find any at the supermarket. They were probably sitting in plain sight. However, I was exhausted and I truly had no desire to sashay down each aisle looking for them.

I scrapped my plans for panko crumbs and decided to improvise with the ingredients which I had on hand.

Here's what you will need:

2 pieces of Sandwich Steak cut into thin strips
1/4 cup of chopped Baby Bella Mushrooms
1 tablespoon of chopped Scallions
1 tablespoon of shredded Mozzarella Cheese
1/2 cup of Ginger tea
2 tablespoons of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Lime Wedge
2 tablespoons of Balsamic Vinegar

1. Place the sliced uncooked Sandwich Steak into a bowl of tepid Ginger Tea.
2. Squeeze the juice from the Lime Wedge into the Ginger Tea.
3. Soak the beef in the Ginger Tea for about 5 to 7 minutes.
4. Pour the Extra Virgin Olive Oil into a small saucepan and heat on a low flam…

Bougie Girl In The Kitchen: A Quick Pick-Me-Up Supper

Bougie Girl In The Kitchen: A Quick Pick-Me-Up... by Bougie Girl Apparel This evening, I arrived home exhausted from a hectic day at work.

Additionally, my 45 minute commute home did nothing to boost my overall energy level.

It did however, inspire my hunger.

Although, I am hungry, I do not want to get loaded down by a heavy meal.

Luckily, I have some already cooked and peppered pork cutlets in the refrigerator along with a few other odds and ends.

I opt to slice the pork cutlet into seven pieces. I squeeze a wedge of lime onto the meat and then drizzle on a little balsamic vinegar. I place the sliced pork cutlet onto a plate and microwave it for about 2 minutes. Once the 2 minutes are up, I place the plate on the counter to cool.

Next, I slice Vermont cheddar cheese into about seven pieces.

Five minutes later, I am enjoying a yummy simple to make food ensemble.

Alas, I was not able to snap a picture of this tasty meal because, hunger got the better of me!