Link Within

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Breakup Essays: Essay #5-Soul Contract Breakup

It’s always awkward to get dumped by your soul mate. Usually, it has something to do with timing and/ lack of maturity of one or both parties in the relationship. Now, your first reaction might be to strenuously fight the breakup. After all, it is your soul mate and they owe you some type of loyalty, right? Besides, in these types of relationships there is an unwritten document which binds you together with your soul mate. It is called a soul contract. Its terms were negotiated and decided upon long before you met in this lifetime. 
You might have to sue your soul mate into fulfilling the terms of the soul contract. Of course, if you decide to do that finding a jurisdiction to hear your case might be a little tricky. Especially since the justice system is not equipped to handle these types of cases.
You could call on your respective spirit guides to mediate the matter, but that can get a little awkward since they don’t all come from the same dimensions.

All you need to know is that these soul contract relationships usually end up coming back around until the contract is fulfilled. It could take one or several lifetimes to complete a soul contract. But, that doesn’t mean that you should wait around for your soul mate to fulfill their end of the bargain.

Never wait around for your soul mate to get their act together. Doing so turns your once vibrant energy into a stagnant mass which will suffocate any and all whom come in contact with it.
Besides, your soul mate never really leaves you all alone. No, in fact more than likely, they are bringing pieces of you to their next relationship. Sometimes, when you are particularly tuned into the proverbial Soul Satellite you may catch a glimpse of them strolling along within your dreams. It will freak you out at first but, then over time, you will adjust to the sight of them with someone else.

It will twinge your heart but, then you will find yourself relaxing because you are not in this dream by accident. They brought you here for a purpose. You are there to witness the awkward emptiness that is their life without you.
At first, your ego will soar with happiness at the prospect of your soul mate being unable to replace you.
But, then your ego’s reverie is interrupted by the pained expression on your replacement’s face. She is wondering why he is going through the motions of loving her when it’s obvious that there is someone else in his heart.
Now, you are looking for a way out of this dream/invasive view into his reality.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Breakup Essays: Essay #4-Friends With Benefits Fade Out

             Our arrangement was only supposed to be temporary. We were one another’s placeholder until something more suitable came along. Overall, this arrangement worked for us. Our friends and family knew that we were one another’s placeholder.
Our names were often listed together on wedding invitations, birthday parties, and other social events. This suited us both just fine. In fact, our friends with benefits status sustained us throughout our 20’s and into our mid 30’s. Until one fateful day, I met someone and the instant spark of attraction floored me. I had never felt so drawn to a man in my life. Not even my FWB.
The code of ethics surrounding our arrangement required that I inform my FWB of this  new development in my life. To my secret disappointment, my FWB is not even fazed by my news.
“Cool,” he replies.
How can he be so casual about this? Shouldn’t he be a little more heartbroken?
“Thanks for understanding,” I reply.

“Sure thing,” he says.
An awkward beat of silence passes between us. I am forced to acknowledge the sadness that I am currently feeling. My entire 20’s were spent accompanying this man on countless adventures and long conversations. Yes, we both agreed to be each other’s placeholder but, in the back of my mind I thought that the ending of it would be a little bit more dramatic.
 I am being a bit of a drama queen. I should just be thankful that he is being supportive of my journey. Yet, fear courses through me at the thought of permanently losing this  FWB arrangement for good. I have never attended a wedding, party, or any other social gathering without him. Hell, most of my friends are married or otherwise coupled off. They are probably going to cease inviting me to their social outings.
Suddenly, the thought of being in a real relationship with chemistry doesn’t appeal to me so much. There is not a lot of chemistry between the FWB and me. In fact, we are more companions than lovers.
His voice cuts into my inner monologue. “I am glad that you brought this up because there’s this girl on my kickball team and I kind of like her. We’ve gone out for drinks a few times and we kind of click. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to end our arrangement without hurting your feelings.”
His words run roughshod over my ego. How could some random chick on his kickball team be a better relationship candidate than I am? Perhaps, he has also discovered the joys of chemistry and is reluctant to settle for a companionship arrangement. Well, I guess it’s okay since I found someone else as well. 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Breakup Essays: Essay #3-Break Up By Committee

Your friends hate him. Your family is not really a fan of his either. You are even starting to detest him a little bit. But, you feel guilty for your sudden onslaught of disdain for him. Then, you reason that it is technically his fault since your disdain stems from his lack of vocational prospects.
Yes, you could technically do better. But, you’ve already broken him in and acclimated him to the way in which you like things to be done. You are definitely not ready to give him up.
But, no one in either your inner or outer circle has any amount of respect for him. Perhaps, if he didn’t look at you as though you were his last life raft, you could scrape up a bit of respect for him.
You have consulted just about everyone on both sides of your family, as well as close friends. Everyone is in agreement that he has to go. However, what no one can seem to agree on is the manner in which you tell him goodbye.
You have debated whether just to pack up his stuff when he is out at one of his gaming conventions and put it out on the front lawn. Sure, it’s a little passive-aggressive but it would get the job done. Breaking up with him via text could adversely harm your karma. Picking a fight with him is next to impossible since he is so passive.
Waves of intense guilt wash over you, and you decide to ignore the advice of the committee. You resolve not to break up with him at all. In fact, you plan on stepping up your efforts to be super girlfriend. You surmise that your extra efforts will both encourage and inspire him to be a better boyfriend.
Six months later, he lands a decent paying job and begins even going on evening runs with you. You are walking on a cloud of bliss. Gone are the ratty T-shirts and the bad hygiene habits. This new and improved man is your dream guy. You are relieved that the committee was wrong about dumping him.
Still, some of the committee members are suspicious of his recent improvements.
Your mother constantly asks, “Don’t you think that it’s strange that he all of a sudden decided to start improving himself?”
Your response is a smug smile and then, “The love of a supportive woman can work wonders in a man’s life.”
Your mother shakes her head skeptically, and wisely decides not to argue.
Another few months pass by and you catch him looking at engagement rings online.
He seems weirded out that you have caught him in the act. He quickly closes the browser and stammers, “It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
You scoop up your phone and make a beeline for the bedroom. You spend the next 2 hours calling the committee to inform them of this recent turn of events.
A couple of weeks later, he is sitting across from you at table in the dimly lit bistro down the street from your house. He is nervous and fidgety, not really meeting your eye. Something seems off, but then again he never was much for talking about his feelings.
“So, I want you to know how grateful that I am to you. You helped me grow so much over these past few years. I know that I wasn’t always the best boyfriend but, you still stood by my side.”
You feel your heart fluttering at his kind words.
“Of course,” you murmur in response. “A good woman supports her man through thick and thin.”
“That’s why it is so difficult for me to do this,” he continues.
Wait, it’s difficult to propose to a woman who has had your back for the past few years?
Something’s definitely up.
“I don’t understand,” you reply.
He takes a deep breath. “I can’t do this anymore. I feel like staying in this relationship would be settling for me.”
Is he freakin’ kidding? Staying with you is all of a sudden akin to settling?
“Whoa, are you breaking up with me?” you screech.
Nearby patrons are suddenly focused on your table. He looks mortified, but you don’t care. You think of the time you wasted on this clown. All of the times that he humiliated you in front of friends and family with his slackerish ways. Now, all of a sudden, he’s dumping you in the bistro down the street from your apartment.
The ring that he was taking great pains to hide wasn’t for you at all. There is another woman in the picture.
“Who is she? The one whom you bought the ring for?” you demand.
He looks down at his hands. “I met her at work. She’s a widowed mom with a couple of kids. She’s studying to be an accountant.”
“How long have you been seeing her?”

“About 8 months. She’s pregnant, and I want to do the right thing by her.”
His statement takes me by such surprise that you find yourself standing up straight without another word and walking out of the bistro.You viewed him as a once in a lifetime investment. Yet, he saw you as a live-in life coach and financier. The committee was correct in their advice to you. You should have dumped him months ago.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Breakup Essays: Essay #2-Ambiguous Parting

You are broken up. Well, at least you think that you broke up. His text message was unclear. It was something about needing space and taking time away. But, there was not an explicit mention of a breakup, per se. It’s been a month. You are still friends on Facebook and he still sends you  texts about the reality show that you used to watch together.
How should you interpret this? Part of you wants to wait him out to see if you are still together. Yet, your ego is shouting,
 “Hell, naw! This joker had his chance. It’s time for me to move the hell onto better pastures.”
Some days, your ego almost shouts you down. She wants you to cut off all contact with him. She’s also urging me to set up online dating profiles.  But, what if you do and you meet someone wonderful? That would ruin your chances for a reconciliation. Obviously if you are talking on a regular basis, how broken up could you possibly be? You don’t want to lose your chance to be with him again.  Yet, your ego will not be ignored. She is pointing out all of the times in which he ditched out on dates, disrespected you in front of others, and his inappropriate communications with female acquaintances. 
She is demanding to know what you even see in this dude? What kind of power can he possibly hold over you?  You wish that you could explain the way it feels to be constantly adored and all of the little niceties that he extends to you. Being with him feels as though you are living in this wonderful alternate reality.
Your ego reminds you that the alternate reality which you are basking in does not really exist outside the realm of your mind. She warns you about the dangers filling in the gaps and spaces of your relationship with emotions which never really existed. Because if those emotions had truly existed then you would honor the love in your heart by not accepting his ambiguous goodbye. You would firmly close the door and slide the proverbial bolt to your heart home.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Breakup Essays: Essay #1- The Fight That Comes Out of Nowhere

The day starts off with so much promise. A road trip to a far-flung vineyard to spend time with his friends. The trip has been planned for months. All of his friends are now either engaged or married with a baby on the way. Thinking of this fact makes you reflexively smile. He has been so insistent that you build a strong rapport with his friends. They are overjoyed that he has finally found someone to spend his life with. That’s where your relationship is headed. He has said as much, and his friends may have dropped hints about it as well. It’s not an “if” but a “when” that you will be spending the rest of your life with him.

However, a couple of hours into the trip, it’s obvious that he is not happy about something. Yet, he refuses to discuss whatever it is that has him so agitated. You have learned not to pry. He will eventually tell you when he is ready to do so.
You lean back in the passenger’s seat and close your eyes. When you awaken some time later, the first thing you notice is that the car is no longer moving. You slowly open your eyes and find that he has parked the car in the vineyard parking lot. There are only a few cars in the lot. Instinctively, your eyes scan the terrain for him. He is sitting on a bench in front of the vineyard. His phone seems to be attached to his ear. The expression on his face is grim.
You get out of the car to stretch. Drowsiness clings to your being. You shake it off as best as you can. You grab your purse and lock the car. Wordlessly, you amble toward him. He does not seem to see you, which you find somewhat strange. As you get closer, you hear his rich baritone voice and notice that it contains sadness with a mix of anger.
“Look, I told you that I will do it. I just want to make sure that the time is right. You can’t rush these things.”
It appears that he is discussing your relationship with someone else. So why the sadness and anger? Could it be that he is frustrated about the logistics of dropping a couple thousand dollars on an engagement ring? If that’s the case, he needn’t worry. You are totally fine with a $500 engagement ring. You have simple tastes. He must have figured that out by now about you.
“She is a great lady. I just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing,” he states. This time the sadness seems to drown out the anger. “She deserves better than this. I know that I should have told her before the trip but, there just wasn’t time.”
Hmm. So now he’s feeling pressure that the proposal will not go as planned. You quickly brainstorm ways in which you could possibly quell those insecurities within him. Perhaps, you will suggest that you cut the trip short so that he can propose without an audience.
“Of course, I love you. But, she deserves to be respected. It’s not her fault that she turned out to be a rebound for me.” He says this as his eyes gaze up and meet yours.
Now it is clear that his sadness and anger have nothing to do with proposing to you. Your heart is crestfallen and you are struggling to keep your balance.
So much for a romantic weekend getaway. A montage slowly starts rolling through your mind. All of those times he gazed upon you with a wistful look on his face. It wasn’t because he was happy in the moment with you. No, he was somewhere else entirely with someone else. Someone most definitely not you.
He sees your stance wobble a bit and heads toward you with a look of concern on his face. Is it concern or simply guilt? At this point his facial expression is of no importance to you.  You turn and head shakily towards the car. Luckily, you only brought two bags for this trip. The larger one has wheels and the other one is a small laptop bag. You had  brought your laptop along in hopes of getting a jump on the social media announcement of what you thought would be your impending engagement.
Now, you will be using it to book a trip home. The vineyard like most modern places has Wi-Fi. You will be able to chart your course back into the city and away from your soon to be Ex. You are so wrapped up in your thoughts of escape that you do not even notice him standing in front of the car. He has finished his phone call and is staring at you in disbelief. You stop fussing with your bag and stare right back at him.
“Let me help you carry your bags in.”
“No. I am good. I don’t plan on sticking around for long anyway.”
His expression is filled with confusion.
“Did something happen with your family?”
“No, but I thought that I would save you the trouble of having to sneak around. Look, I’ve been dumped before. But, at least they had the decency not to drag me out to the hinterlands to do it.”
His expression falls and that confirms your suspiscions. You are standing in the middle of the parking lot of the romantic getaway as your soon to be ex boyfriend struggles to explain his shady actions. Good times, indeed.
“I met her way before we got together. We dated and we were long distance. We broke up a few years ago because neither one of us was willing to move. But, she got a job transfer to a place 15 minutes outside of the city. And she called to tell me. Of course, I told her about you. She congratulated me and that was it. But, then I started thinking. Remembering how good it was between us. The only reason why it didn’t work was because of the distance. I started wondering what if she is the one for me. You don’t find what we had together every day.”
Holy, metaphorical gut punch to the solar plexus. How is it that you did not realize that this man was never in love with you? But, that is a separate matter you have more pressing questions to fire at him.
“Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why did you string me along if you knew that I was not what you wanted?”
He takes a deep breath.
“Because you are what I want…in the long run. Kind of. I mean you are so beautiful, smart, and loyal. Damn, you are loyal. I know that I should want you. My parents and friends love you. This trip was supposed to be about cementing our bond together as a long-term couple. But, as much as I want a stable relationship which turns into marriage. I also want my Ex to be the person that shares that with me.”
You take a deep breath and try  not absorb the blow of his words completely.
“Well, you are in luck because I am going to be leaving this here romantic getaway because for some reason knowing that your boyfriend would rather be with his Ex has just drained all of the romance right out of being at this time. So, call her back and invite to the getaway. The rental car is in both of our names. So, I will be taking it back to the city and you can hitch a ride with one of your friends or your Ex.”
He stands there frozen for a few seconds and then complies with your directive. He pulls out his wallet and hands you more than enough money to cover gasoline and the rental car. It is pure guilt money but, at this point, you do not even care.  You leave him standing in the parking lot of the romantic getaway with a look of pained confusion on his face.
On the way back to the city, you fight the urge to pull into a truck stop and cry your eyes out. Four hours later, you have returned the rental car and trooped into your apartment. You have not shed a tear at all. You purposely turned off your phone during the trip back to the city because you did not want to be tempted to call him or anyone.
As soon as you turn on your phone, it lights up with notifications about missed calls and unread texts all from him. You start by reading the text messages. The first few are apologetic and then they next several are laced with confusion. It’s as though he wants you to beg him to come back. There is nothing to fight for in this relationship. He strung you along whether he intended to or not. That alone is grounds for a breakup. The whole time he was just waiting until his Ex to move back into the area. Now, he is having second thoughts about his reconciliation with his Ex. No doubt, his friends and family are weighing on things. They are probably outlining all of the reasons why he needs to cut ties with his Ex and focus on you. This gives your ego a much needed boost and then sadness washes over you because you realize that you will never see them again. If you do happen to run into them it will be awkward and tense.
You delete the voicemails without even listening to them. You need time to process the fact that you were nothing more than a rebound relationship. Eventually, you will heal and move on from this debacle.


Sunday, February 7, 2016

Breakup Essays: Foreword

Don’t you wish that you could tailor a relationship breakup to suit your needs? Kind of like relationship dissolution à la carte. The dumper could send you an invitation to download a breakup app which would give you choices on how you would like to conduct a breakup. 
For the more dysfunctional couples, they could opt to engage in a raucous screaming match in which the app would after a matter of five minutes, automatically dial the cops. Passive-aggressive couples could use the breakup app to send hurtful messages to each other which are scheduled to arrive at random times of the day. 
Pragmatic couples could use the app to settle up financial obligations, draft up non- disparagement agreements, and to forward mail. Finally, the emotional unavailable couple could use the app for the sole purposes of breaking up with one another. Why speak to each other when using an app is so much more convenient?
Unfortunately, you do not get to pre-plan how your breakups will come to be. We just stumble and bumble our way through a relationship in a haphazard way. Ultimately, hoping for the best result which varies depending on our overall goals.
The breakup stories outlined in this e-book have been altered to protect the privacy of the people involved.  I have no doubt that most readers can relate with the breakup scenarios being presented in the book. 
 I am not a licensed therapist but, I have gone through or witnessed up close many different types of breakup situations. Over the years, I have gained much-needed wisdom from these various breakup scenarios. Also, I wanted to write material about breakups which were some place between the land of empowerment and reality. So, you will not find bitterness and “down with love” rhetoric within these essays. 

But, let’s face it sometimes it take a while for your Divine Partner to show up and during this time you will enter into relationships with other people. People whom are not your Divine Partner. In fact, some of these folks are the furtherest thing from the very definition of divine. Yet, they are brought into your life to teach you something about yourself or relationships in general. 

Saturday, February 6, 2016

New Series: Breakup Essays

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote several essays about the different types of breakups that I have experienced or witnessed from the sidelines. 

I had ambitions of publishing it as an e-book but, life kind of stepped in and they have languished in my laptop until now...

Starting next week, I will begin posting these essays. 

Some of them are humorous and others are cringe-worthy. 

Ten Monologues For Women:Monologue #10- Writing Our Love Story

I had it all outlined in my head. Our love story. The tale that would conquer all love stories coming before or after it. It is a story of opposites attracting, falling in love, and staying together forever.

Alas, it didn’t really turn out that way.

Instead, I ended up getting dumped two weeks before our wedding sans a proper explanation.

He mumbled something about not being ready after all and that was it. It turned out to be a blessing.

Life with him would have severely stunted me in too many ways to count.

I fell in love with the man I knew that he could be. But, not the man he actually was. Not a good thing in the long run.

 It was only going to lead to disappointment for both of us.

At first, I was upset because I felt as though he didn’t fight for our relationship.

 He just walked away because he felt overwhelmed with his feelings towards me.

"I am not ready for this relationship aka I just don’t wanna be with you."

Years of passed by and now I can see what a blessing our breakup was. I ended up on this whole other path because of it. So, as I write our love story.

 I know that it will be short and abrupt but, on the other side of it I found clarity like I have never known.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #9-They Never Know What To Say

My friends want to comfort me but, they don’t know how to do so. No one wants to talk about it with me. I suppose they feel a little guilty because they all have healthy children. I was the first one to get married but, the last one to get pregnant.

My career took up most of my life and Juan was starting his food truck business so, I had no choice but, to work a lot of hours to cover his half of the bills. It’s only been in the last couple of years that his business has turned a profit. So, we decided that now was finally the time for us to start a family.

But, it wasn’t that easy. I am a supportive wife whom stood by her husband so that he could live his dream. Now, I am being punished because I waited too long to have kids. Of course, my husband doesn’t see it that way. He’s convinced that the Universe will bless us with a child when it’s ready to do so. He’s quite the optimist. I used to think that way but, that was before the miscarriage. 
Is it possible for someone’s life to remain frozen in time?

I remember how great it felt to be pregnant. I felt as though anything were possible. Having life grow inside of you is a heady rush. I started building my identity around being a mom-to be. I joined the online groups and started furnishing the nursery.

Then, sometime around my fifth month,  I knew that something was wrong.

 I started experiencing pain in my abdomen. Randy rushed me to the hospital and that’s when the contractions started. I knew that I was losing the baby. I felt so helpless and poor Randy. He blamed himself for not getting me to the hospital sooner. The doctor said that there was nothing that could have been done. Sometimes, women just miscarry for no reason at all.

No reason at all. Those weren’t exactly the most reassuring words in the world. I needed a reason. I needed to make sense of why it happened. I felt as though the only way to move on was to know exactly what went wrong. I missed my groups and every day that I walked past the nursery, it felt as though I was getting stabbed in the heart. It was so unfair.

 I joined one of those support groups for women whom have had miscarriages. It helps a lot but, I think that this emptiness can only be cured by getting pregnant and having a baby. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Disqus for Bougie Girl