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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Utter Destruction and Chaos

If you stay with me...I will destroy you. Maybe, not today or even next year but, know that no one escapes the realm of my chaos unscathed. It is the reason why I keep you at arm's length. You have a beautiful soul but, it is no match for my inner turmoil.

Your soul lures me to the edge of my limitations and it gently coaxes me to take a leap of faith. The belief which you hold for me is astounding but, I fear that it has been misplaced. You are constantly confusing my potential with what the reality of who I am as a man.

A huge part me wants to live on the surface. It is the only way that I know how to keep my inner demons locked away. Yet, being with you makes me want to defeat those scary demons once and for all.

Friday, January 30, 2015

If You Are Reading This...

If you are reading this, it means that nostalgia, regret, and a bit of alcohol have brought you back into my realm. You are still struggling with the way things ended between us. Well, sometimes I struggle a bit with it as well. I recall happy times and the eternal laughter which seemed to surround us on the good days...and the emptiness which arrived on the day that you left. 

These words are not a revelation to you because we hashed everything out about 2 reconciliations ago. We both mistakenly believe that if enough time passes that I will magically submit all parts of myself to you. In turn, you will stop letting past relationships poison ours.

 But, after a couple of  well-intentioned months, old patterns emerge.

I feel you itching for your freedom and I happily grant it to you. You are relieved but, a little hurt that I would release you so easily. You assume that I never loved you in the first place. Alas, I beg to differ. Love is the reason that I always let you go.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Relationship Realization

I had an epiphany about relationships...and then I promptly forgot. But, my recent renaissance back to my core values has reminded me of it once again.

All the love in the world will not sustain a relationship if parties are not on the same page.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Happier Days Are Here...Again

Everyone goes through a slump. The reasons vary from person to person. I found myself hip deep in a slump of sorts for most of last year. Thankfully, the slump did not impact all aspects of my life.
My career seemed to be going well. I just felt stuck and I did not see how things were going to improve.

Until, one day I came up with a workable plan of action which incorporated a lot of baby steps.

At first I felt a little silly taking a whole bunch of micro-actions. I mean it was not as though I did not know how to go out into the world and make things happen.

Yet, my intuition kept guiding me into taking the path of slow micro-actions.

So far, so good.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Hipsterish Tendencies Abound

We all have hipsterish tendencies. However, we are living in a society which is anti-hipster to say the least. I understand some of the anti-hipster sentiment. Hipsters are known for  moving into economically depressed neighborhoods and driving up  the rents.

Upon first glance, it appears that hipsters live in this hazy nostalgic netherworld complete with vintage items and artisanal food.

In addition, they have a tendency to look down on anything mainstream and/or non-esoteric.

Yet, all of us have hipsterish tendencies and I do not believe that it is necessarily a negative thing. For example, hipsters are loyal customers. Generally, they do not flit around for the next big thing. They stay true to their local establishments.

What's so wrong with that?

Friday, January 16, 2015

Temporary Vegetarian

I am currently eating an all vegetarian diet for the month of January. For the past 2 years, I have been in a toxic relationship with BBQ, bacon cheeseburgers (on an off), pizza, and other unhealthy food suitors.

Last month, I hit my wall and decided to take a drastic action to lose my taste for these food items which were contributing both to my high cholesterol and weight gain.

So far, it is working. I am not craving meat in the way that I thought I would. I also realized that I am a creature of habit.

Sometimes, it was just easier to hit up the drive-thru line and/or the take out joint down the street.

Now, I am sticking to my weekly menus and controlling my once large portion sizes which also contributed to my weight gain.

Grocery shopping has become exciting again. I am also listening to vegetarian podcasts and trolling cooking shows for menu ideas. My soda consumption which was already somewhat low is now virtually non-existent. I just do not have the craving for soda anymore.

Next month, I am going back to eating meat albeit leaner cuts and way less of it.

This journey has been about self-care. I see that letting my once healthy diet slip into an abyss of junk food was a metaphor for the way in which moving back to the Midwest drastically lowered my standards of eating.

There are healthy food options here in the Midwest but, they are more difficult to find versus my previous residences of California, New Mexico, and Rhode Island. I was getting upset at actually having to investigate where to buy things versus having them be readily available to me.

Some of the more positive side effects of my vegetarian diet has been clearer skin, no tummy aches, more energy, and an improved attitude.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

5 Pounds Down...

Yesterday, I stepped on the scale and it let me know that I am now 165 pounds. 15 more pounds to go before I reach my goal weight. 

Weight loss is only a small aspect of this life journey for me. This week, I did not crave candy, cookies, cakes, and/or any sweets. 

I did drink a can of soda here and there but, more out of habit than anything. 


Saturday, January 3, 2015

My Age and My Weight

There is an antiquated adage which states that a lady never reveals her age nor  her weight.
But, I will gladly share both with the world. From my previous posts, you already know that I happily celebrated my 40th birthday last year.

Now, I am coming to you with total honesty about my weight. I weigh about 170 pounds.  I am 5'3'' and this weight is unacceptable to me. Let me be clear, I  do not feel shamed by the patriarchal society in which live. Also, I am kind alright with how I look. But, my health is telling a different tale. It is starting to be affected by my love affair with red meat.

By love affair, I mean that I was consuming red meat several times a week and sometimes for all 3 meals. I could not seem to stop this craving for red meat. For years, I was fine with eating it once every other week or going a month or so without it.

This changed when I moved back to the Midwest from New England. Red meat is everywhere and its consumption is heartily encouraged.

A few weeks ago, I decided to go completely vegetarian for the entire month of January 2015. I did not jump into this decision, rather I slowly started cutting meat out of my diet. I made sure to stock up my pantry with vegetables, quinoa, fruit, pasta,  soup, and brown rice.

So far, I am on Day 3 and I do not have the meat cravings. In fact, my sugar cravings seemed to have left as well. I feel clearer and my tummy rumbles are gone.

The overall goal is to lose my cave man craving for red meat and to pay more attention to where I am purchasing my food.

Friday, January 2, 2015

40 is the new....

40 is the new...whatever you want it to be. I love being 40. All of the wisdom without any of the self-consciousness of previous decades. I am looking forward to being a foster mom and going full throttle with projects that have languished on the backburner for far too long.

This is what my 40 looks like but, I realize that for others this age represents a downward slide of sorts. Their youthful dreams are now washed away and replaced with difficult realities.  There are mortgages, children's college tuition, debts, and other responsibilities which prevent them from fully embracing this decade.

I say that it is never too late to pick up a dream and adjust it to your current circumstances.

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