Interviewer:You always seem to have a scapegoat for every moment in your life. It takes a certain skill to always have a scapegoat at the ready. How do you determine whom you are going to scapegoat?
Self-Loather:As a general rule, I have a tendency to scapegoat everyone whom I come into contact with on a regular basis. For example, I scapegoat co-workers family members, friends, and of of course my significant other.
Interviewer:When did you first start using scapegoats in your every day life?
Self-Loather:I was probably about five years old. We had a family dog. He was a Beagle and he loved chewing up everything. My mom bought this ugly pair of loafers and I "accidentally" left them out...and well, the dog chewed them to shreds.
Interviewer:Wow. What happened to the dog?
(Shrugs)Well, my parents loved that dog and I knew that he would get a light swat for his crimes against my footwear. However, I would not have been so lucky for the same infraction.
Interviewer:When did you move from scapegoating the family pet to people?
Self-Loather:First grade. There was a kid in my class and no one like him. He was kind of weird. Anyway, he was desperate for friends. So, I made him my personal fall guy for everything. I stole things and he always took the blame for my crimes.
Interviewer:How long did this arrangement last between you and your first scapegoat?
Self-Loather:Almost all of 1st grade, until his parents pulled him out and enrolled him into an alternative school.
Interviewer:What did you learn from that experience?
Self-Loather:First of all, you have to pick your scapegoat wisely. My first scapegoat had a very low level of self-worth which was good but, he was a little too eager. He went along with all of my BS. He never once stood up to me.
Interviewer:Well, he was only six years old. He sounded like a lonely kid.
Self-Loather:I suppose. But, a highly skilled scapegoat protests if you start to go too far off the rails.
Interviewer:So you expect your scapegoats to both take the fall and be a bit of a moral compass for you?
Interviewer:How does scapegoating work in relationships?
Self-Loather:In relationships, scapegoating gets a little tricky. It can still be done but, you have to be careful with this one.
Interviewer:Careful? How so?
Self-Loather:In relationships, a high level of emotion is involved which can sometimes complicate things.
Interviewer:In other words, love can complicate things?
(Taken Aback)Who said anything about love? Anyways, sometimes being in a relationship can give a scapegoat too much confidence in themselves.
Interviewer:Confidence is a bad thing?
Self-Loather:Confidence is great...just not for a scapegoat. Confidence breeds defiance and that kind of defeats the purpose. (Pauses) You want to dole out scraps of attention to the scapegoat enough to keep them hooked and invested in doing your bidding. When times get rough, you start treating them like crap and they will freak out and become extra devoted to you. But, if you ignore and even reject their peace offerings they will kick up their efforts even more. During this period of time is when I get my scapegoat to do my shadiest bidding.
(Glancing at the Self-Loather's left hand)Are you by chance married?
Self-Loather:Yep. I have been married for about 5 years now. We have a son and a daughter.
Interviewer:Did you marry one of your scapegoats?
Self-Loather:I sure did. She's great. She doesn't have a lot of self-respect. Way too eager to please me at all times.
Interviewer:What happened to the rest of your scapegoats? Did you forsake them all for your wife?
Self-Loather:Hell no! I put them on inactive reserved duty. Basically, I throw them little scraps here and there. In a few years, I will probably start preparing to leave my wife. I will need a place to land for the interim.
Interviewer:Will you continuing scapegoating your wife after the divorce?
Self-Loather:Of course. I'll use my then ex-wife as the ultimate scapegoat for why I will never marry again. The truth is that I want a safe and secure nest to return to but, I don't really want to stay there full-time.
Interviewer:So, if you make sure that there is animosity between you and your Ex then you never have to be forced to stay anywhere.
Self-Loather:Pretty brilliant, eh?
Interviewer:Brilliant isn't actually a word I would use. (Pause) Do you ever worry about the effect that your scapegoating will have on your kids.
Self-Loather:No. Why would I? I'll just blame everything on their mother. It will take them years to figure out the true culprit.
Interviewer:What happens when your kids finally figure out that you are the true culprit?
(Shrugs)By then, I will have a whole new family and they will be too afraid to alienate me.
Interviewer:Do you expect your kids to follow in your um, footsteps of scapegoating others?
(Shrugs)If they want. Scapegoating isn't exactly for everyone. It takes a certain fortitude and they may have too much of their mother's genes to properly to do it.
(Clearly appalled)Thanks for being on the show today.