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Showing posts from July, 2011

Photo Op: Sunday Evening Stroll on the Pier

Sunday Evening Stroll on the Pier
Earlier this evening, I took a leisurely stroll down to one of the many piers located in my quaint seaside town. 

The Frenemies Series: Delusion

Delusion by Bougie Girl Apparel
There are habits  in life which  can bring you instant comfort.  However, they screw you over in the long run. Amongst these habits are the following:
Delusion Entitlement Insecurity Neediness Hateration I have observed the above-mentioned habits destroy careers, relationships, friendships, finances, and  drastically bring down the overall quality of an individual's life. 
I have devoted a new series of blogposts to the above-mentioned habits in an effort to shine a little light up on them. All of the habits in small doses are relatively harmless...with the exception of Hateration. Sometimes, it takes a dash of Delusion to get through a  large family  gathering. You may need a pinch of Entitlement to muster up the courage to ask your boss for a raise. It is natural to feel a little Insecurity when you are thrown into a new situation. A bit of Neediness can be expected when your world is falling apart. Now,  Hateration in any dosage is straight up p…

Platonic Love aka He is Not Your Man So Stop Expecting Him to Act Like He Is

Platonic Love aka He is Not Your Man... by Bougie Girl Apparel

I am fortunate to have many male friends. They are in essence my brothers. I turn to them for a male perspective with regard to career aspirations, car repair, and of course,  my love life. Yet, I still strive to keep the platonic boundary firmly in place between us.
You cannot  expect a male friend to always pick up the check during outings, call you everyday, or drop everything all the time to rush to your aid.
Because, he is a male friend... and not your man!
I have seen many a male-female friendship ruined because the boundary line is constantly being crossed by one or both parties.
Sometimes, the male counterpart in the friendship has deep romantic feelings for the female.  The female counterpart of the friendship may sense his feelings and uses them to her advantage. She has no intention of ever dating him, but she keeps around as an ego boost and because he cheerfully pays for all of their outings. 
A little…

Bougie Girl: Rebound Relationships

This is the fourth and final installment in my blog series about dealing with past relationships/Exes. Rebound relationships can either be a casual fling or something deeper. They can teach us a lot about ourselves, unfortunately they also have the tendency to crash and burn.
Generally, a Rebound relationship consists of three key players: The Rebounder aka person whom jumps into a new relationship too soon after a breakup The Reboundee aka the new significant other of the Rebounder The Ex aka The Ghost of Relationship Past The Rebounder The relationship is over. Farewell to the old psychodrama and dysfunction.   Soon after, you  arrive upon a more stable relationship which seems to be the answer to your  heart's prayers. Unfortunately, you  are still  not completely over your prior relationship. The stability of your new situation enables you to finally begin processing the prior relationship.
At first, you deduce that your Ex had many failings which contributed to the dissolu…

Leaving Old Storylines Behind


In my old storyline, I was the misunderstood and  beleaguered black girl from a middle-class home. I did not fit in with the ghetto black kids bussed into my neighborhood and the super bougie blacks wanted nothing to do with me.
I was socially l active and  surrounded by friends but, there was an emotional emptiness which eternally plagued me. I always seemed to be on the fringe of a group. I never completely fit in anywhere. This was the storyline which I insisted on staying in for years.
 I brought this storyline to every job, relationship, and friendship. In my old storyline, I play the role of the misunderstood outcast. My character is threatening to other women and intriguing yet, intimidating to men.
I wore my eccentricity as a coat of armor. I challenged people to get close to me and then pushed them away. It was the ultimate dance of dysfunction. I acted my way through played out action sequences, love scenes, exposition, an…

Relocating from Emotional Wussitude Lane to Emotional Maturity Avenue

Relocating from Emotional Wussitude Lane... by Bougie Girl Apparel
You keep your group of "fans" close by just like any good cult leader wanna-be would! They focus all of their energy on making sure that all of your needs are met. You do not respect or even appreciate their efforts. Yet, you refuse to walk away from them. You are not strong enough to survive without their superficial admiration.
You long to be challenged by someone, but at the same time you suspect that  years of being unconditionally adored have not prepared you to move up to the next level. You are so frustrated by the emptiness of the relationships in your life. To sum it all up, you are tired of being an emotional coward.
But, you gotta admit there are some pretty righteous perks which go along with being an emotional coward.
For example, you never really have to stick around for the bad times. Proverbial storm clouds showing up is your cue to exit Stage Left. You literally receive all of the benefits …

The 7 Commandments for Reuniting with an Ex

The 7 Commandments for Reuniting with an Ex by Bougie Girl Apparel

So you have decided to take the big step of reuniting with your ex. You have weighed both the pros and cons, carefully examined your motives, and now you are ready to get this reunion tour on the road!
However, before your pull the metaphorical tour bus out of the parking lot, you may want review the following commandments for making this new journey with your ex as drama free as possible.
Thou shalt treat this reconciliation as a new relationship
Dredging up past transgressions from the first incarnation of your relationship is a fantastic way to doom it right out of the gate. Presumably, the old issues which killed your first pairing together have been taken care of or are no longer of any consequence this time around.  Step into the light and the leave the old BS where it the past.
Thou shalt realize that friends and family do not want to hear you vent about how annoying your refurbished relationship is.

6 Basic Steps to Move You Towards Healthier Relationships

6 Basic Steps by Bougie Girl Apparel

You are no good at relationships. You have a string of broken relationships and crazy exes to prove it. You are afraid that your lack of relationship prowess is an indicator of your unlovability. You warn potential significant others that you are not a good bet for a long-term relationship.

You have formed an identity around your relationship failures and you do not plan on giving it up anytime soon.

But, have you ever stopped to ask yourself just why all of your relationships fail? It probably does have a lot to do with you, but not in the way in which you might think. Failing at relationships has more to do with the choices you make than your inherent worth as a person.

Below are a 6 basic steps which can move you towards healthier relationships.

Step One
The first step is to look at love as something separate from a relationship. Love knows no boundaries. Yet, a healthy relationship needs boundaries in order to function well. You can be in love…

Blame It On Nostalgia?: 9 Reasons Why People Reunite With An Ex

Blame It On Nostalgia: 9 Reasons Why People Reuni by Bougie Girl Apparel
In a previous post entitled:Step Away From Your Ex:An Overview, I briefly discussed the whole staying stuck on your ex phenomenon. I received both positive and negative feedback on the blogpost. The feedback encouraged me to do some more in-depth field research on the topic. I started asking random people about why they would ever consider reuniting with their exes. Admittedly, this was not a scientific survey by any stretch of the imagination.   No doubt, there are more than nine different reasons why people wish to reunite with an ex. However, these are the ones which my unscientifically created control group listed as their reasons.

Below are the 9 reasons why people try to reunite with exes:

Unfinished businessFear of moving on from the pastThe need to triangulateTrying to rectify the mistake of an initial relationshipFamily and friends adore your exFor the sake of the childrenChasing the bliss of the first fe…

Do You Really Wanna Stop Dating Toxic People?

toxic people rock! by Bougie Girl Apparel

 You are looking for your "dream mate". You are tired of dealing with drama in your dating life. Yet, you know that raising your dating standards means that you will actually have to pull your own emotional weight. You do not know if you are ready to do so. Reluctantly, you acknowledge that there have been advantages to dating toxic people.

For example, dating perpetually toxic folks makes you appear to be  somewhat of a noble person. You are the long-suffering protagonist trying to give the toxic person a better life. Alas, they are too toxic to remain in a relationship with and so with a heavy heart you will have to walk away from them.

Dating toxic people takes away a lot of your energy and it gives you the perfect excuse to remain emotionally stunted.  You can also use them as a scapegoat as to why you have not advanced very far in your career.

Are you sure that you want to give up the status quo of being completely blameless …

Step Away From Your Ex: An Overview

Step Away From Your Ex: An Overview by Bougie Girl Apparel

Love does not always end after a relationship is over. It can linger in the air and  crackle between both parties long after they have exchanged goodbyes. Still, there are generally compelling reasons why a relationship does not work out. In my observation, immaturity of one or both parties,bad timing, 3rd parties, and other outside stressors can all contribute the dissolution of a relationship.

The familiarity of an ex can cause you to remain stuck in an era of your life which you need to move on from. It is easy to get sucked back into going back to an ex. You know them so well. You are familiar with all of their good points and perhaps their crazier ones. The familiarity can cause you to gloss over the unhealthier aspects of the relationship. You conveniently forget about the numerous drunken fights, infidelity, manipulation, and even physical abuse which occurred during your time with them.

 Instead, you choose to focus on…

Step Away From the Sham...

Step Away From the Sham... by Bougie Girl Apparel

I have this situation at home with my husband...


Look, I know that you do not like getting involved in marriage drama, but-

Yeah. Cuz, spouses always band together against the third party! I have enough problems without having to field calls  from an angry husband.

I do not have anyone else to talk to and my children's well-being is at stake.

(Sighes reluctantly) Let's hear it.

So, my husband has stopped coming home for the most part.

What do you mean stopped coming home? Did he move out?

In a matter of speaking. He told me that he did not want to be married to me anymore.

Dang. I am so sorry. How long ago did he tell you this?

(Starts sobbing) About six months ago. He also refuses to get counseling.

Do you need help moving?

Moving? I am not moving out. I have no place to go and the kids really like…

A Girl With Issues

A Girl With Issues by Bougie Girl Apparel

She has issues. Lots of issues. The aforesaid issues stem from events which occurred long before you came onto the scene. She seemed so fragile at first. You offered her friendship and then it turned into something more.You turned a blind eye to her neediness and emotional dependence.

You told yourself that it was because she did not feel secure in the relationship. Then, you did everything that you could to make sure that she felt loved by you.

You gave up your friends, family, and time to yourself in order to make her feel more secure. You endured her constant phone calls, long-winded texts, and snooping through your email.

You downplayed her manipulative behavior.

You made excuses for her lack of ambition and downright laziness.

"She's not evil. She just has issues." You declared.

In other words, you  voluntarily signed up for the "Save-a-Chick" program.

Alas, years go by and her issues adversely affected your hous…

Rockin' A New Groove: 5 Types of People You Want on Your Transitional Team

Rockin' A New Groove by Bougie Girl Apparel
A few months ago, I stepped out of the metaphorical darkness and into the light of a new life.  One of the best parts of this new life are the people whom have assisted me during this difficult, yet very necessary transition.  During this experience, I witnessed first hand the importance of having the following 5 types of people on my transitional team:

Mentors have been where you are and they know first-hand what it takes to get back on the right track. They have a lot of wisdom to share. So, you best listen up and take notes! A majority of my mentors kept in touch with me through Facebook, phone calls, and texts. However, I was also very fortunate to be "adopted" by two New England Aunties. These ladies gave me lots of love, great advice, and helped me   take my game to another level.

2.Social Chairs
These folks have access to a whole network of people and organizations. They will keep your calendar booked up. I joine…

Dialogues About Getting It Together

Dialogues About Getting It Together by Bougie Girl Apparel

Do you have a couple minutes?

Sure. What's up?

I messed up with Maria.

What happened?

I freaked out and dumped her over IM.

What? I thought that she was "the One".

She is. But, I got scared that I was gonna mess it up. I always mess up my relationships. So, I just decided to cut her loose before I hurt her too badly.

What was different about Maria versus your previous girlfriends?

(Wistfully) Maria did not take my crap. I mean, she was loving and kind, but she would not let me get away with my typical game-playing BS. She encouraged me to go for my dreams and supported me during the tough times. Yet, she still had a life of her own. My previous girlfriends spent a majority of their time chasing me around. I was their whole world. During my younger days, I liked clingy women. Their neediness made me feel loved. However, as I got older, I…