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Friday, March 25, 2011



He walks into the room with an air of practiced pretension. After air kissing with the hostess, he slowly strolls towards the buffet table. He is not being coy. He is waiting for his entourage to acknowledge his arrival. 

He is clad in the standard intelligentsia garb of black turtleneck with matching cargo pants and combat boots. He has a satchel slung over his shoulder. 

The top of a water bottle peeks out from one of the compartments. His dark hair is swept back in a lacquered back ponytail. I elbow  one of my friends and discreetly motion towards Ponytail Man. We exchange  bemused glances between ourselves.

“Nice bag,” my friend quips. 

“It’s a satchel,” I corrected, trying to prevent my lips from twitching with full-blown laughter. 

As if sensing we were discussing him, Ponytail Man whirls around in our direction. We attempt to look absorbed in conversation, but it did notwork. He heads in our direction.

Thankfully, one of his minions came out from nowhere and began engaging him in a serious fawn session. We breathed a sigh of relief and hightail it to the other room. 

Ponytail Man is the enemy. A self-proclaimed member of the Intelligentsia, he has an opinion about every work of art, literature, film and play ever produced. Usually, if the work is commercially popular, then he hates it. 

Baring his teeth in a feral fashion, the thick wavy ponytail sways with indignation, as he rants about the “pedestrian tastes” of mainstream culture.

The first few times his anti-pop culture tirades are moderately entertaining and somewhat educational. Then, I begin noticing that his repertoire is severely limited to three specific tirades: the fine arts, gourmet food, and the evil of corporations.

Even the most confirmed counter-culturalist could tire of these rants eventually. Alas, Ponytail Main still has lackeys and minions lapping up his every utterance.  

How does one enter into the realm of the Intelligentsia?

Members of the Intelligentsia strive to make the right impression with clothes that are classically stylish, but with an edge.

Ladies,  wear lace-up boots, instead of wearing wedge heels with a sundress.

Gentlemen, wear a real utility belt with the black turtleneck and cargo pants ensemble. Hair can be slicked back into a moussed ponytail or worn wild and woolly. 

It is really a matter of preference.

Next, limit your conversation repertoire to obscure artists, writers, and musicians etc. whom are being overlooked in favor of the evil commercial types of people. Keep your voice dripping with sarcasm and slightly condescending,  as you explain to the simple folks the significance of your random ranting. 

Also, be sure to have a Head Minion around at all times to fetch refreshments and comb the vicinity for possible romantic muses or captive audience members.
Your satchel should contain notebooks and other obscure materials, including a CD of the B-sides of a one hit wonder band. 

Do not forget to acquire the merry band of minions, whom admire you for not selling out.

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