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Sunday, March 27, 2011

From a Man's Point-of-View ACT I, SCENE I




SCENE I


SETTING
We are on the set of a television talk show.                    

AT RISE: 
WILLA is interviewing MANNY about relationships from a man’s point-of-view.                      

(WILLA and MANNY, are seated in two armchairs facing one another.)

WILLA
Thanks again for agreeing to be interviewed.

MANNY
It’s the least I could do. This is an important topic that we men have been silent about for too long. (She nods in agreement.) Besides, you’re kind of a hottie in a smart broad way.

WILLA
Okay, let’s just  get started.
MANNY
Sure. Ask me anything.
WILLA
Describe for me the ideal killing-time girlfriend.

MANNY
Well, every guy has different preferences when it comes to this. But, for me personally, I need to know that she isn’t going anywhere.

WILLA
So, your ideal killing time girlfriend is a homebody?

MANNY
Yes and no. I mean the main thing is that I don’t have to talk to her on a regular basis. I like knowing that I can go a couple of weeks without talking  to her and she will be sitting by the phone waiting for my call.

WILLA
Why even have a girlfriend? Why not just get an after bar girl?

MANNY
Cuz, I’m not in my twenties anymore and my family is always bugging me about settling down with one person. At least this way, I can get my basic needs met and my family leaves me alone.

WILLA
Basically, having a killing time girlfriend translates into “booty and a hot meal”.

MANNY
Something like that. I mean look, I never promise these women anything. They know the deal from the beginning. I don’t want anything serious. It’s not my fault if they get the wrong idea.
WILLA
But, you must realize that by dating these women longer than a year that they are going to start expecting a stronger commitment from you.

MANNY
You would be surprised by what killing-time girlfriends will put up with. Anyway, it’s rare that I stay with them longer than year for that exact reason.  Look, I’m not a heartless guy or anything.

WILLA
How do you decide which friends and relatives  will meet the killing-time girlfriend?
MANNY
Usually, I introduce her to a couple of acquaintances and  maybe a distant cousin or two. But, I make sure that these meetings center around watching a sporting event at a bar.  Major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are generally out. Although, Columbus Day is a good holiday to  bring around your killing-time girlfriend. Less pressure.

WILLA
Do these killing-time girlfriends ever complain or threaten to leave?

MANNY
All of the time. But they rarely leave. If they do, then the usually come back after a week or two. They start thinking about all of the time that they have invested  in the relationship and they get  nervous that you will replace them with someone more acquiescent.

WILLA
Is that a legitimate concern on their part?

MANNY
Yeah, that’s the beauty of killing-time girlfriends.  You can throw a rock and hit a woman so desperate for a man that she will put up with crap just to show the world that she has a boyfriend.

WILLA
What type of woman will you not “kill time” with?

MANNY
Uh, don’t take this the wrong way. But, I couldn’t kill time with someone like you.
WILLA
Why not?
MANNY
Well, for one thing someone like you is not going to put up with it for very long. Also, you’re really classy. I mean, if I didn’t call you for a week there would already be ten guys lined up to take you out.

WILLA
You could  always go back out there and find another woman else to kill time with-
MANNY
No, because once I started dating a classy lady like yourself I could not go back to killing time.

WILLA
Explain the difference between hookuhs and hookers.

MANNY
This topic is very close to my heart.


WILLA
I am sure that it is. What is the definition of a hookuh?


MANNY
A hookuh is someone that everyone knows, but you don't necessarily want people to know that you know.

WILLA
So, she is just there for convenience?

MANNY
Pretty much. When things start getting complicated or she starts getting to attached--

WILLA
You dump the hookuh and replace her with another one.

MANNY
Yep.
WILLA
Do you ever feel guilty about the way you treat these alleged hookuhs?
MANNY
No. I mean the set themselves up for this treatment. They don't have to take my calls.

WILLA
But they do.
MANNY
Yeah.
WILLA
Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps theses hookuhs are taking your calls because, they are hoping that their status will be upgraded to full-fledged girlfriend?

MANNY
 (shrugging)
Yeah, but these are not the type of women that you take out in public.
WILLA
Then, why get involved with them in the first place? Why not find someone more "suitable"?

MANNY
(Shrugs)
Cuz, you're not always looking for someone "suitable".

WILLA
 Do you ever take your hookuhs out on dates?

MANNY
Dates?

WILLA
Do you ever take these women out to dinner or even a movie?

MANNY
Uh, no. (pause) Well, maybe sometimes you pick up take out or rent a movie. But even that is stretching it.

WILLA
Okay, let's talk about hookers.

MANNY
Sure. Well, hookers are more like chicks that you have on the side. But, for whatever reason you can't or don't want to date them long-term.
WILLA
Do you take hookers out on dates?

MANNY
Generally, no. I mean you might take her to the movies somewhere far out of town, but mostly you hang out at her house and pick up take out. I always advise guys to pay in cash at all times.

WILLA
What is the etiquette when you are in public with your hooker?

MANNY
You never hold her hand in public. In fact all PDA is strictly prohibited. It might give her ideas that you guys actually have a relationship or something.

WILLA
Which would be a bad thing?

MANNY
Hell yeah!
WILLA
Are  there term limits when it comes to hookuhs and hookers?

MANNY
Yeah. Everything has a shelf life.

WILLA
So why even bother having a hookuh or a hooker? Why not just find a woman that you are not ashamed to be seen in public with?

MANNY
Cuz, you just want to have fun and not worry about where a relationship’s going.

WILLA
Can a hookuh or hooker ever be upgraded to a more permanent companion?

MANNY
Permanency is definitely out of the question in regards to the hookuh. However, the hooker if she's cute enough could possibly be promoted to a killing-time girlfriend. But, I definitely would not marry a hookuh or a hooker.

WILLA
Interesting. What advice do you have for a hookuh or a hooker who wants to settle down?

MANNY
Hmm. In the case of a hookuh. She is going to have to stop taking all after bar calls. In fact, she may need to take an extended vow of celibacy. So that she can get counseling or something. And under no circumstances should she try to reconnect with her former midnight callers. It's all about the clean slate. It's trickier for hookers because on the surface they can fool themselves into thinking that they are bona fide girlfriends. But, in reality they are just satisfying a guy's temporary needs for affection and light companionship.
WILLA
What are your thoughts on women actin’ a fool in public?

MANNY
Some of your sisters out there  really know how to spoil an event by creating a hostile environment.
WILLA
Have you ever been out with a significant other when she chose to “act a fool”?
MANNY
Yeah and a word of advice to the ladies do not  ever purposely set out to embarrass your man. Cuz, we will only take that crap for so long before  heading towards the nearest exit.

WILLA
Care to share a couple of examples of women actin’ a fool a public?
MANNY
Yeah, one of my ex-girlfriend’s had the sweetest disposition until we were out in public and then she would  start nagging me about  how I needed to make more money or about how I needed to be more romantic. Look, I’m not perfect and  it wasn’t as though her criticisms went without merit, but she only brought these things up when we were  around other people. This went on for about six months until I dumped her…in public. 
 

WILLA
Wow, you basically showed her no mercy.

MANNY
Please, I gave her six months to get her act together and the longer I stayed the more she tried to further emasculate me. Another ex of mine, she liked to play the woe is me game I am so fat. Which consisted of her getting upset whenever there was a better looking woman in the room. Which truth be told was often. I mean this chick wasn’t unattractive per se but she always needed me to reassure her that she was attractive. Towards the end even my pep talks were not enough. She started having tantrums  and actin’ really catty towards other women in public.

WILLA
Now, in your last statement you mentioned  female cattiness. What are your thoughts on it?
MANNY
Bottom-line is that cattiness in women is a mucho unattractive. I mean why tear down another woman cuz she’s thinner or has better clothes. Hop on the treadmill, get a personal shopper, and get over it.

WILLA
Have you ever had a woman try to make you jealous in public?

MANNY
Yeah and it backfired on her

WILLA
What happened?

MANNY
We were on our way to this party and we were fighting about something really ridiculous which was typical with this chick. She always had to have some drama going. Anyway, we get to the party and she immediately makes a beeline for her ex-boyfriend. Which kind of bugged me at first but then I saw a  couple chicks at the party cuter than my girlfriend and I spent most of the night chatting them up. After my girlfriend noticed that  I was beating her at her own game she had a tantrum and insisted on going home. She never tried that again.

WILLA
I’ll bet. Any advice for  a woman out with her man whom may be tempted to act a fool in public?

MANNY
Yeah, think really carefully before you decide to act a fool in public with your man. Cuz, you will find yourself alone.

WILLA
Please explain to our viewers whom maybe unfamiliar with the term just exactly what cock-blocking is.

MANNY
Sure. The reason why men cock block is cuz we can.

WILLA
Surely, there is more to it than that.

MANNY
Well, okay maybe there is a little more to than that. Let’s say that I have met a great girl. I mean a top of the line Filly. She’s hot, educated and classy. Okay, maybe I am not quite ready to settle down. But, when I am , she’s the one that I’ll be calling. Now, I could introduce to one of my buddies whose looking to settle down. But, if I do that then it’s all over cuz there’s an excellent chance that  he will steal away for good. Now, what to do? Well, the answer is to stake a claim on her myself.

WILLA
This is where cock-blocking comes in?

MANNY
Exactly. Now, after I stake my claim on her. My buddy has two choices he can ignore my claim and make a play for her anyway  and risk damaging our friendship. His other option is to cross her off the list permanently. Which means outside a friendly hello she is completely off-limits to him.

WILLA
So let me get this straight. You meet Ms. Wonderful. You aren’t ready for her and instead of letting your friend have a chance with her. You stake a permanent claim on her.

MANNY
Yeah.
WILLA
But what if you ultimately decide that you will never be ready to settle down? Where does that leave the Filly?

MANNY
Look, she is free to date other people--. Just not my buddy.


WILLA
Wow, that’s kind of  lame.


MANNY
Please women cock block all of the time. I mean I can’t tell you how many times I have asked out a Filly only to have her turn me down cuz her homely  friend has a crush on me. Like I should be punished cuz some  homely chick decides to stake her claim on me. Never mind that I would never take her out in a million years.
WILLA
It sounds like a similar deal that you had going on with your buddy.
MANNY
Uh, no. Cuz, let’s say that my buddy gives into temptation and goes after the Filly which I have already staked a claim on. They end up getting into a relationship. Well, sure I’ll be mad for awhile, but I wouldn’t let it bust up our friendship. But with women it’s different.

WILLA
How so?
MANNY
Let’s say that  the Filly started dating a guy that the homely loser girl staked her claim on. Well, homely loser girl is going to call everyone in  her social circle and talk a lot of crap on the Filly. Which is ridiculous since there was no way that the guy was ever gonna holla at homely loser girl. Yet, everyone in the social circle is going to end up taking sides over it and a few friendships are going to end.
WILLA
That’s kind of dramatic.
MANNY
But, an accurate assessment nonetheless.

WILLA
So how can we prevent cock-blocking?

MANNY
There is no sure-fire way  prevent cock-blocking.  It’s always gonna happen. 
WILLA
Well, that’s encouraging.
MANNY
It is what is.








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