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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Ten Monologues For Women: Monologue #1- Personal Revolution

I didn’t learn my lesson until I was almost 30 years old. You know, the lesson about crappy occurrences turning out to be blessings in the end. Yeah, that lesson. The lesson which every Grandma tries to instill in  their grandchildren over cookies and warm milk…that is if you had that kind of  Grandma. (Pause)

And I definitely didn’t.  My Grandma had a lot of problems almost of them were  gin-related if ya, know what I mean.

So, there was this guy.

And it’s funny cuz, these lessons always seem to revolve around a guy.  This guy was my college sweetheart. Mr. Wonderful himself. Only he wasn’t so wonderful. But, I didn’t find that out til much later.

I got a scholarship to go to Brown University. See, my gin-soaked Grandma came from a very wealthy family and she had connections.  It also didn’t  hurt that I was a 4.0 student and star forward of my basketball team.

Anyhow, I meet Allan aka Mr. Wonderful, my first week of classes in our freshman year. What can I say? The guy was definitely a charmer. Apparently, he had “charmed” half the girls from my dormitory floor out of their clothes.  Of course, I didn’t know any of that. Allan targeted me because I was inexperienced when it came to dating. 

He must have figured that it was to his advantage to lock me down during freshman year. In hindsight, I played the role of the respectable coed. My main function was  to accompany Allan  to fraternity parties and family events to maintain the illusion of his charmed lifestyle. 

Sadly, I actually thought that Allan was my soul mate. I pictured us together forever. Whenever we were in the same room together…no one else existed for me. Alas, that wasn’t the case for Allan. I had no idea about his predilection for trashy women until our joint  college graduation party when some random pregnant chick crashed the party.

Apparently, Allan had messed with the wrong “trashy” woman. This one was actually halfway smart and she had ambitions of becoming a part of his hoity-toity family. Needless to say, his parents coerced Allan into marrying me and then we would pay off the mistress and “adopt” his baby. It was sickening. I wanted no part of it.

But, his family had dirt on my Grandma’s propensity to run into inanimate objects after one of her “gin” fiestas.  It was either marry a womanizer or watch my Grandma’s reputation get shredded.

So, I married him and his womanizing became even worse.  However, I did manage to bond with his little girl Madeline.  She is a little angel and her mother isn’t the worst person in the world. Although, she still harbors hopes that Allan will some day marry her.

Um, can we say delusional?

Fortunately, I was able to cut a deal with his parents to only stay married to him for 7 years.  They also wanted me to produce an heir of more respectable parentage than Madeline. I only agreed to do that after a physician of my choosing ran tests on Allan and determined that he was STD free.

I gave birth to our son, Dylan last year and I am counting the days until I can file for divorce.  I only have about 3 months left in my marriage. I am going to take custody of both Madeline and Dylan.  My relationship with Allan is crappy no doubt about it.

 Yet, I have two little angels that make the hell in which I went through worth it.

And Grandma?

I made Allan’s parents hire a lifetime personal driver for her on their dime.

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