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Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Loser Spirit Series: The Hem-Up Relationship

Hemming a man up is not the same as being loved by him...
Women use hem-up tactics as a way of controlling the overall course of a relationship. (Now, to be fair there are a lot of men out there trying to hem up women as well, but that is a subject for another blogpost.) Hemmers use threads of manipulation, mind gaming, and guilt to draw the other person aka the Target closer to them.

They make promises and spout off grand plans as another way to lure the Target into their web. Underneath all of the smoke and mirrors, the Hemmer does not have a lot to offer someone in a relationship.
The Hemmer chooses her Target very carefully. Generally, she is at least one or two vibrational levels below the him. However, usually the Target has a shaky or non-existent relationship with his family, has very few friends, and  issues with low self-esteem. The above-mentioned factors make it easier for the Hemmer to stitch him closer to her.

In essence, the Hemmer creates a toxic "love quilt" which centers all around the Target. She is doing this in the hopes that he will make his whole world about her as well. Yet, this  never seems to happen to her satisfaction. The Hemmer is rarely happy, because she knows that her relationship with the Target is on borrowed time.

A majority of the time, Targets are not innocent parties in this situation. They actually hold a majority of control in this type of relationship.  A hem-up relationship for the Target is a way to kill time while they are getting established in the world. Once, the Target gets himself together, usually he leaves the Hemmer high and dry for someone on his same vibrational level.

After the Target breaks off their relationship, the Hemmer begins plotting for a way draw them back into the relationship. The Hemmer may manufacture drama involving  their children, health, finances, anything that will get the Target's attention.

The Target does return every so often  to receive an ego boost from the Hemmer. But, he only stays around long enough to inflate the Hemmer's hopes a bit to keep her hanging onto the dream of a reconciliation.

 Her obsession with the Target makes him feel more like a worthwhile person. Yet, as the years go on, the ego boosts he receives from being around her becomes less potent. He comes to realize that he has wasted several years being stuck in a hem-up situation with her.
The Target has a difficult time breaking the Loser Spirit bonds with  the Hemmer.  His association with the  Hemmer, although toxic, has become a dysfunctional, yet familar source of comfort to him.  

For all of you Hemmers out there, I know that you probably did not have a role model to show you what healthy love looks like. Your hem-up maneuvers are done more out fear of being abandoned and lack of self love than malice. However, you must accept that hem-up maneuvers will not force the Target to magically fall in love with you. The attention which you are receiving from him  has more to do with his own insecurities than your constant conjuring up of psychodrama.

I realize that you have been emotionally beaten down by a less than idyllic past, but at the same time you must take responsibility for the present time. The best way to do this is to give up the Hemmer lifestyle and concentrate on both respecting and loving yourself.

However, if it is more important for you to remain in an eternal emotional tug-o-war with the Target, then by all means keep on hemmin' your love quilt o'dysfunction. Just do not be surprised when your hemming does not produce any positive results for your self-respect. 

For all of you Targets out there, I understand the lure of the Hemmer. She is brilliant at making you believe that she has the power to take away all of your past and present hurts. Hemmers tell you what you want to hear as a way to soothe your ego and to distract you from her anchorweightness. You know that she is full of BS, but that broken part of you needs to perceive her as being more than who she really is.

Still, there is no excuse to treat someone in a disrespectful manner, even if they are  manipulative and making your life a miserable hell. You have to take responsibility and ownership for the fact that you agreed to play a part in the hem-up relationship. If you are going to stay, then you need to be respectful. If you are unable to do so, then WALK AWAY! Keep on walking, do not even bat an eye at her manufactured psychodrama.

Boomeranging back to her, even for a brief ego boost prevents you from experiencing the successful life partnership which you truly seek. 

Life is too short to stay caught up in relationships and situations which are toxic for the mind, body, and spirit.

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